Ghouls on Film

Sinister Siblings

The (literal) trials and tribulations of Lindsay Lohan involving her least favorite piece of jewelry — that pesky, police-issued ankle bracelet — have served to reinforce the love affair that the media has with tracking the every move of besotted former child stars.  “Where Are They Now?” is a regular fixture of nearly every major tabloid or online entertainment gossip website.

Some of these former child star celebrities have happy endings to their tales (for example, Jodie Foster as one of the rare exceptions to the rule), while most usually find the closest thing available to a comeback is a stint on VH1 fare like “Celebrity Rehab” or “Celebrity Fit Club.”

With this sentiment in mind, if  “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” were to be made today instead of 1962, the world might have never gotten the chance to enjoy one of filmdom’s finest (and campiest) horror classics.  Starring Bette Davis and Joan Crawford in the twilight of their careers, the film was a cautionary tale centered on what happens when former-celebrity siblings stop being sane and start getting real. Real crazy.

Bette Davis stars as “Baby” Jane Hudson, a former Vaudeville child star (and spoiled brat) whose acting skills didn’t transcend singing kitschy songs in sausage curls and pinafore dresses.  Having failed to make the jump to serious adult roles, Baby Jane becomes a bitter boozehound, particularly as her sister Blanche’s star begins to rise.  In something straight out of an “E! True Hollywood Story,” the two sisters get soused and one of them tries to run the other over with a car.

Fast-forward 30 years later and Blanche, wheelchair-bound as a result of the accident, and her looney, 50-something sister, Baby Jane — still sporting a look reminiscent of ’90s Courtney Love  — are living together.  Jane is her sister’s caretaker… minus the “care.”  As Blanche schemes from her wheelchair to get her legitimately looney-skiproonie sister put in a sanitarium, Baby Jane gets wind of her plot while she’s attempting to stage a comeback.  Hijinx ensue, including sorrel beatings, main courses of dead parakeet and freshly-trapped rat, and Baby Jane slurring her way through a rousing rendition of “I’ve Written a Letter to Daddy” — reeking of gin, cigarette smoke, and more daddy issues than even Lindsay Lohan herself could shake a DUI at!

A Face Only Courtney Could Love

The film’s beachside conclusion features a shocking confession from Blanche that she was really the one who drunkenly gunned the engine and tried to mow down her sister, snapping her own spine in the process.  She just let drunken Baby Jane think that she was the one behind the wheel for all these years.  At this point, Baby Jane is too crazy to care and has already set her sights on getting some ice cream.

As suspenseful and horrifying (especially Baby Jane’s singing) as “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” is, this type of film could never be made today for the sheer reason that the combined powers of TMZ, the media, and tabloids are able to unravel nearly any mystery within months of it happening.  Nothing in Hollywood remains a secret for long.  (Just ask Mel Gibson!)

If the fictional Hudson sisters had been transplanted in 2010 instead of 1962, their story may have had a very different ending than the one loaded with madness, paralysis, and death.  For starters, Blanche Hudson would probably ended up in the clink for attempted murder.  With paparazzi everywhere, it would be well-documented that Blanche was the one who gunned the engine in an attempt to turn Baby Jane into roadkill.  A sympathetic judge would hand her a reduced sentence owing to her medical condition, celebrity status, and otherwise spotless record.

Traumatized by the events of her sister trying to kill her, Baby Jane Hudson would likely spiral even further into her alcoholism before winding up on “Celebrity Rehab,” with a helping hand from Dr. Drew.  Maybe even Mickey Rourke would give her the Eric Roberts treatment, making a plaintive case at an awards ceremony for Hollywood to give Baby Jane another chance at stardom and throw a few roles her way.

Perhaps a few parts would trickle in for Baby Jane, but only after RuPaul and the girls of “Drag Race” gave her a full makeover. Ru would snap his/her well-manicured fingers and say: “Girl, the Shirley Temple look has got to go!” before whipping out a flat iron and escorting her to the nearest MAC counter to learn how to properly apply makeup.

By this time, Blanche would have gotten out of the slam and probably made a foray into music.  (You know how celebrities are always crossing over into other realms of entertainment.)  Actors want to make records and singers/rappers somehow wind up in movies.  Drawing upon her experiences as a paraplegic prison inmate, Blanche Hudson (now known as “B-Hud”) would cut a dance album with Timbaland that would crack the Billboard 100.  This new, musical direction to her reignited career would then land her a guest spot on “Glee” as a mentor to wheelchair-bound character, Arty.

Incensed that her sister’s career had been given a second wind and still miffed about Blanche (“B-Hud” if you’re nasty…) trying to off her, Jane would hire a publicity agent to one-up her sister and capitalize on her fame. Baby Jane’s agent would negotiate a reality series deal centered around the premise of the two rival sisters living with each other in the same house. The final scene of the series’ first season would end similarly to the 1962 version of “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” with Blanche and Baby Jane on the beach.  This time, however, they would be accompanied by the cast of “Jersey Shore” with Baby Jane getting punched out by an angsty local while attempting to purchase two ice cream cones: one for her and one for her sister. This act of violence would bring the two sisters closer together and mend their decades-old feud.

While Hollywood’s natural instinct as of late is to remake every movie they can possibly get their hands on, it would be impossible to remake “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?”  If the film were made today, the world would lose out on one of the great horror masterpieces of all time.  In its place would be the horror of human nature and morbid curiosity at its worst.  That’s pretty terrifying in itself, just in a completely different way.

What’s your favorite “Baby Jane” moment?