Dear Ripley: Horror in the Hollywood Hills
Posted by Ripley on Tuesday Jul 6, 2010 Under Dear Ripley, Sci Fi, Tips and Tricks
Dear Ripley,
You just have to help me. Uh… I… I’m just gonna come right out with it. I’m stuck in a financially successful yet ultimately bad movie franchise, and I don’t know what to do.
See, I’m … different from other people. I’ve always felt a bit out of sorts and just not like everyone else. Somehow, I managed to make both the hottest vampire alive and an ultra buff werewolf fall in love with me. And while that’s great and all, I feel like the movie adaptations of my life are just blowing this whole vampire vs. werewolf thing out of proportion. ‘Cause the story is about me, right? How I’m searching for where I belong and like, searching for MYSELF? The books did a great job explaining that, but these movies. Man, so much money pumped into them, you’d at least think they’d get the hair and makeup part right.
Anyway, please help! I … I … just don’t think I can stand for two more crappy movies about me. I wonder if this is how Amy Fisher felt when all those made-for-tv movies were released?
Sincerely,
CAUGHT IN A HIGH-POWERED HOLLYWOOD TRAP
Dear CAUGHT,
I completely feel your pain. It was bad enough when I was forced to shave my head in “Alien 3,” but when the studio had the nerve to clone me and make me go through the same old shit all over again … well, let’s just say the real Ellen Ripley would never have stood for that. And don’t get me started on the “Alien vs. Predator” mini-franchise – even though I wasn’t in any of those, all my blood, sweat, and tears went into some schlocky, over-processed fan boy’s wet dream.
That being said, the best you can do is see it through. Steel yourself for the final mess that will inevitably be “Breaking Dawn,” parts 1 and 2 (yes, I actually am a bit of a “Twilight” fan). It will be hard, no doubt, for you to watch the grotesque birth scene, but darling, don’t fret. In another five to ten years someone will remake the entire series from scratch anyway, and no one will really remember the first go. Look what they’re doing for “Spider-Man!” Trust me – all will right itself in time, which you have plenty of.
TEAM CHARLIE