Ghouls on Film

Silas Mourner Looms Large

Is anyone else getting sick of this?

First there was “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,” then “Sense and Seamonsterbility”… or whatever it was called. Now Abraham Lincoln is battling vampires.

Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov are going to produce “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.” Of course I love Tim Burton, and Timur – there’s something uncontrollable that’s probably in my DNA which makes me incapable of resisting anything Russian, or in any way connected to Russia. He’s also highly skilled at exploiting to creepiness of children, and I respect that.

The worst thing about all of it is I am supposed to be part of the demographic who will love the horror-fied retellings of classic novels and the lives of historical figures. It makes my skin crawl in a bad way. But not a bad-good way. There are plenty of other places for supernatural battles to take place. So, stop polluting the shades of Pemberley.

But even with all my bitching, I can’t help but see the dollar signs in all of this. So Allison and I started talking about other classic tales which in no way should be resurrected and horror-fied, but which we will butcher (if you will) for the right price. Here’s what we came up with. Which one would you pay to see?

• “Silas Mourner” – He’ll loom over your grave.

• “Howliver” – Never before has a boy wanted … Gore! You shall scream.

• “The Brothers Scare-a-Top-Off” – Ladies beware! Russian brothers on a rampage.

• “Finnegan’s Wake” – Grab a bottle of whiskey, in case the dead get frisky!

• “Andrew Hackson” – Old Hickory didn’t get his nickname from chopping down trees.

• “House of Girth” – Consumption takes on a whole new meaning, when lovely larger ladies rebel against the corset.

• “Gorege Washington” – When the cherry tree becomes the scary tree. (Ghouls would like to apologize for this one)

• “The House of the Undead” – Aleksandr Petrifyovich leads a ghoulish peasant rebellion.