Before we even get going: SPOILERS ABOUND. Not that you people care. You’ve been gobbling up every tiny “Eclipse” morsel you can get your grubby, chipped nail polish hands on in between tweeting about Bella’s proposed wedding attire and arguing with your friends about the leg hitch scene.
Yes the leg hitch is in there! In all its dry-humping glory!
My friend Becky and I saw an advance screening of “Eclipse” tonight and I have to say that despite all the rumors of problems behind-the-scenes, and all my bitching to come, this is by far the best of the “Twilight” franchise. The chase scene in the first twenty minutes of the film is exciting. For once you really feel like you’re watching vampires who can actually drain the blood out of something. The fight scenes sucked me in (although I can’t say I love the manner in which the Slade depicts the newborn deaths) and the CG wolves looked marginally more realistic.
And yes, you have to keep in mind that we are talking about “Twilight” here. Which, for me, is a guilty pleasure. Everything needs to be looked at through at fourteen-year-old love-lorn girl’s lens. Don’t start your huffing and puffing please, you know I’m right. While it’s not well-written there is something undeniable about the story. I can’t quite put my finger on the pulse of the appeal. But maybe that’s because it doesn’t have one?
All in all I would say the much-maligned David Slade did quite a bit of good for this franchise. It’s still awkward, but in that way a teen is awkward. She might not get the look quite right, but she does it with gusto. And you love her for it.
Hair, Wigs, and Hair-Related Issues
Is my Memaw moonlighting in the “Twilight” wardrobe department? Because Bryce Dallas Howard’s wig is a doozy on par with Scarlett Johansson’s look in “Iron Man.”
It appears that Taylor might have hit puberty half-way through this production. He has a clearly visible dirt ’stashe in the last quarter of the movie. Obviously, no one taught the lone wolf how to shave.
Pattinson and Lautner should have gotten together and groomed each other. Shirtless … and with a flip cam … He is still sporting chest hair. Out of all the terrible makeup, wigs, and ill-fitting clothing this one costume detail annoys me the most. Stephenie Meyer goes on and on about Edward’s marble-like visage. Not once does she talk about pubes erupting from his collar.
Jacob Black – Taylor Lautner
At times it looks like someone pasted pretty, pouty Taylor Lautner’s head on John Cena’s body, complete with jean shorts. I want to give the kid points for trying. He really does try. He’s beefed up admirably. He sweats, emotes, and sweats some more. It’s not his fault they forgot to use the magic of film and make him taller.
Edward Cullen – Robert Pattinson
He actually smiles. Unfortunately, I am now concerned about his weak English chin.
Bella Swan – Kristen Stewart
I’m not sure I dare say this but Kristen seems almost natural in this film. Her interactions with her father Charlie bring some levity to the story. But, alas, no one in the history of Hollywood is skilled enough to make the kiss with Taylor look believable.
The Family Cullen
Jasper blinks, he moves his head, and his flashback is almost watchable. They even manage to tone down his wig, making it less Victorian more Civil War-ish.
I can’t say the same for Rosalie. The beginning of her rape flashback reminds me of a “Benny Hill” sketch. I kept thinking that at some point her hat was going to come flying off and her dress would get flipped up to reveal her sock garters.
I heard that Kellan Lutz wasn’t actually there to film Emmett’s parts, but his wax figure proves to be an excellent stand in.
The Wolf Pack
For the most part the human form of the pack has very little onscreen time. Leah Clearwater is introduced and Slade does a good job of setting her up as a mega bitch from the get-go. Seth Clearwater also gets a bit of camera time, but I found his wolf parts to be more enjoyable than his human parts. Wait. That didn’t come out right.
Among the entire “Twilight” fandom there is one figure who I assumed didn’t get much play. That figure is Billy Black. Tonight I was corrected. Every time he came on the screen a cheer erupted from the audience. Who knew? Is there a Team Billy out there somewhere?
That’s all from me right now. There is more to be said, I am sure. But it is the witching hour and time for me to go dream of glittering vampires who will smile at my inability to communicate and reward me with large diamond rings.
First it was Lake Bell… now there’s another victim in the gruesome “Scream 4″ casting cuts.
