Ghouls on Film

A Healthy Diet Is Important

In a recent survey, when approximately 6000 Zombies were asked to name their favorite holiday, Passover, sometimes known as “the Jewish Easter,” came out on top by a huge margin.

Why Pesah? It’s simple really. There are a great number of parallels between leaving the enslavement of mortality and the Hebrews’ escape from enslavement in Egypt. As a matter of fact, the story of Passover contains so many elements that feel familiar and fit right into Zombie life like themes of Exodus, the ritual of setting an extra plate and cup for fellow undead, the ghost of the profit Eliyahu, and the whole slaying of the first born. It’s no wonder why so many Zombies are drawn to this particular Jewish celebration.

When interviewed, many agreed that having a fellow undead recognized as a prophet in the story was definitely attractive, and beyond that welcomed to the Seder table. “It’s nice to engage in a bit of undead shoptalk with the others,” said one of the Zombie elders.

However, others feel the story is too limiting, revolving around the plague of the slaying of the first-born. “There are many rewrites of this in our Talmud,” a Rabbi Zombie told us. “Many think it should be changed to be slaying of the first born, second born, third born, it doesn’t matter – as long as they have brains.”

He laughed when talking about how the Hebrews were instructed to mark the doorposts of their homes with the blood of a spring lamb so the spirit of death would pass over these homes. “It still works today with us! If we see a doorway marked with blood, we just assume a fellow Zom has already eaten everyone there so it’s best not to waste time and move on. Living people can be really cunning even in modern times!”

As most Jewish holidays revolve around food, you may wonder how this plays into the undead’s steady diet of brains and other dense organs. It turns out they love it – for the most part. The unleavened bread, Matzoh, symbolic to this celebration is devoured by Zombies as “it sticks to the bones” and makes organs, especially ductless ones, “easier to digest”. Many report that Matzoh makes you feel full longer and is a perfect midnight snack. Some liberties have been taken with the Seder plate to update it, most significantly, the lamb shank bone placed on the Seder plate is usually replaced by a human one.

Part of the Seder requires the youngest at the table to ask the Four Questions. How does this work at a Zombie Seder?

“It does take a very long time to work out who is the youngest amongst the undead. That’s why it’s good to have a few living at the Seder as well. It livens it up, especially when searching for the aifikoman! Everyone loves searching for the afikoman. It’s like searching for survivors to eat. Last year, I was the one who found it. Part of the ritual is to demand a reward to return it and bargain with the host. The host offered me one of the living guests as the reward, but in the spirit of Passover, I just went with twenty bucks. I wanted to show to the living that this night really was different from other nights.”

There is also a rabbinic requirement that four cups of wine are to be drunk during the Seder. This applies to both men and women, living and unliving. However, all parties agreed that drinking blood is preferable to the taste of Manischewitz kosher wine.

What’s one thing about the Seder Zombies do not enjoy? “Geflite fish!” They all chimed. “If you think day old brains taste disgusting, try gefilte fish!”

On a much more heartfelt note, one of the newer Zom’s added, “It’s just nice to have one night a year where you’re not considered to be one of the plagues. It makes you feel like one of the chosen undead people.”

Finally, when surveyed about Easter, many Zombies cited that they love the story of Jesus as a fellow Zombie, but are turned off by bunnies and chocolate.

For Whom the Boobs Toll

What happens when an undead “Dancer” gets angry?

I was watching “Zombieland” the other night, for the third time, and thoroughly enjoying the way in which the opening slow motion sequence sets up the world of “Zombieland.” Milkshakes gone bad, hungry brides, and a deadly three-legged race. It’s a great mix of humor, blood, and brains.

For the most part, “Zombieland” isn’t that gory. There are a few gnarly parts that involve the splitting of bones, one a compound fracture, the other a woman enjoying what Tallahassee refers to as a “Manwhich,” but nothing super gratuitous. Not when compared to say “Dead Alive” or something Fulci got his gooey fingers on.

Actually, there is one part I would put in the gratuitous category – a moment that mixes the triumvirate seen in the most popular of horror fare – boobs, blood, and sex.  This time, the topless woman in question isn’t the victim, she’s doing the killing. And, oh my god, that’s what it looks like when a topless zombie stripper wants her two dollars, and it’s pretty fantastic.

It reminded me that there are many other women out there who are full of wrath and have a killer rack. Gals who look hot, but don’t mind getting their hands dirty. We’ll explore more of that later, watch this clip of the zombie stripper for now:

I’ve been a dreadful Ghoul, readers. It’s been nearly two months since my last confession and the only excuse I have is pure, unadulterated laziness. That and school. School gets in the way of everything. Especially when there are weekly papers involved. Especially when those papers are about movies, totally cutting into my creativity reserve. But fret no longer, I’ve been given a shot at an I. Die segment from the mistress of death herself, Scara, and I hope you like it. And, since I know nothing else at the moment, this installment will be about school. Sort of.

Alright, we’ve all seen the movie “Heathers,” yes? I’m behind on much of the classic and “must-see” filmage over the last century, but even I’ve seen “Heathers.” Multiple times. In fact, it’s come to my attention that the only film genre I’m not behind on is the “wacky, gory” kind.

In case you’re a loser you haven’t seen it, Wikipedia describes it like so: “The film portrays four girls in a trend-setting clique at a fictional Ohio high school. The girls — three of whom are named Heather — rule the school through intimidation, contempt, and sex appeal.”

Because it is the late ’80s, much of the costume design in the film is poufy ponytails and shoulder pads; not your usual “I totally wish I could own that look!” combination. But, somehow, these ladies really pull it off. I mean, under any other circumstance, the stocky-bulky-over-sized-blazer area matched with the gaucho-or-long,pleated-skirt-over-top-stick-skinny-leg area would be a disaster. But when you slap this mess onto a beautiful face and a snarky attitude, it just works.

Kim Walker as Heather Chandler (the one staring a hole into your soul in the photo at left), our initial lead villain, pulls it off best as she has no qualms about who runs the school (she does). She has nothing to fear. Not even her huge jacket taking over most of her body. She likes it that way. It lets her be large and in charge without actually being large at all. She walks with the same kind of confidence that Regina George does in “Mean Girls,” despite the former’s heavy layers.

Upon Heather C.’s demise (OOPS! SPOILER ALERT!), the brunette Heather, Heather Duke (played by the Heatheriest person alive, Shannen Doherty), takes the Queen Bee reigns. Initially kicked around by Heather C., you’d think Heather D. would’ve learned a lesson in appreciating others. Well, she didn’t. But you know what? She didn’t have to. You know why?

Because she can wear a giant, green flower-thing on her studded blazer and still look precious.

Heather McNamara (played by Lisanne Falk) was just your typical cheerleading lackey. She wasn’t as kicked around and under-appreciated as Heather D., but that’s probably because she just didn’t matter much. She didn’t matter much to herself either and she tried committing suicide after Heather C. died. I have nothing more to say about her, but it’s only fair she be included. See? Even I don’t think she mattered.

Honestly, I just want to hurry up and get to the queen of late ’80s/early ’90s “wacky, gory” herself:

Winona Ryder.

Who on planet earth can look this hot, clean, and filthy?

Only Wino.

It doesn’t hurt that “The Attractive Years” Christian Slater (playing new guy, heartthrob, and baddy:  Jason Dean) is next to her, but I digress. As Veronica Sawyer, she’s sort of part of the click, sort of on her own; she’s trying to fit in, but doesn’t exactly take Heather C.’s shit as well as the others. But this isn’t about character development, this is about how amazing she looks in just about every scene. I have no words, so here are visuals:

Real talk here, ladies (and gentlemen?), who wouldn’t still wear that outfit on the bottom? I know you can’t see all of it, but trust – it is uh-mazing. I don’t even drink alcohol, but I’d drink whatever that flaming thing is in that mug, just to look as hot. Veronica blends pieces together that would look terrible on most women, and men, but she’s so relaxed and cool while wearing them – you just want to go raid your parents’ closets at this point, right?

No talk of the fashion foreplay that is “Heathers” would be complete without discussing the film’s signature piece: the red scrunchy. The color red stands for love and war. In this case, Heather C. loves herself and is at war with everyone else. And scrunchies are more than just a now-outdated accessory; they’re controlling, over-the-top, and mainly there for decoration. They’re frilly, but with a snappy attitude about them. When you wear a red scrunchy you’re totally going to be noticed and talked about.

This particular red scrunchy belonged to Heather C. and then she died and Heather D. wore it. After Veronica and JD went all “killy” and then Veronica went all “this is wrongy” and JD went all “blowing up the schooly”, Veronica snatched the scrunchy straight out of Heather D.’s hair and put it in her own.

Banging. End credits. Scrunchies truly are killer fashion accessories.

(photos: winona-ryder.org)

Ladies Love Leprechaun

St. Paddy’s Day, a day when we salute miniature, money-hungry demons, is tomorrow, and I would be remiss if I did not raise a pint (of blood) to the one of the tiniest terrors in film history: “Leprechaun.”

He’ll always hold a place in my heart not only because he loves shiny black shoes, striped tights and brass buckle accents, but because he’s mean and he’s little, and I can relate to that. Tall people are always pushing the shorties around, and we have to find creative ways to defend ourselves. Sometimes that means using your shoes in ways they aren’t meant to be used. Sometimes that means taking on Detective Fin Tutuola, aka, Ice-T.

But the Leprechaun isn’t the only small killer on the big screen. There are quite a few others who give the short and angry people out there a good name.

This brings me to “Troll 2.” Forget “Troll;” these movies have nothing to do with one another. In fact, there isn’t a troll to be found in Nilbog (yes, smarty, that’s Goblin spelled backward).  I think this movie screwed up my eating habits as an early teen, permanently turning me away from vegetarianism.

Chuckie of “Child’s Play” fame is another. I know he’s technically a doll. But no grown human has ever made overalls quite so scary.

Then there’s Sam from “Trick r’ Treat.” Cute kid in a charmingly homemade Halloween costume or satanic ankle-biter hell-bent on inducing sugar comas?

Finally, there’s Esther, star of “Orphan,” and probably one of the biggest disappointments in the history of killer pre-teens. Two words: murderous midget.

Happy St. Drunkers Day and watch out for the little people.

Rob Zombie & Mel Brooks Kindred Spirits?

Doing a bit of thinking the other day in my personal Fortress of Solitude (AKA – “my bathroom” — which is usually where some of my better ideas strike me), I realized that Rob Zombie and Mel Brooks have quite a bit in common.  Initially, that comparison would usually find itself accompanied by 500 milligrams of Thorazine, but upon further examination, it makes quite a bit of sense.  Mel Brooks is of the few entertainers to have won an Oscar, an Emmy, a Tony, and a Grammy, having dabbled in all aspects of popular entertainment. While he hasn’t reaped the golden statuettes the way Mel has over the years for his body of work, Rob Zombie has dipped a toe in nearly every sphere of entertainment, as well.

Rotting Flesh & Musical Numbers ... so Perfect Together

Delving further into their similarities, it seems that Rob Zombie is well on-track to becoming to horror what Mel Brooks is to humor.  While Mel Brooks has often used horror as a backdrop for his outrageous brand of comedy, Rob Zombie sprinkles a generous dose of hilarity in his horror films.  Throughout his career, Brooks has taken classic horror (“Young Frankenstein,” “Dracula: Dead and Loving It”) and turned it on its ear, going so far as to even poke fun at real life horrors like mental institutions (“High Anxiety”) and historical horrors ranging from Nazis (“The Producers,” “To Be or Not To Be”) and the Spanish Inquisition (“History of the World: Part I”).  Conversely, Zombie’s twisted humor has provided bright spots in his dark, original concepts like “House of 1,000 Corpses” and “The Devil’s Rejects.”  (When the patriarch of a serial killing family is a foul-mouthed, fried chicken-loving clown, it’s hard to not laugh.)

The comparisons don’t stop there, however.  Both Mel Brooks and Rob Zombie seem to have their own repertory companies built into their films.  Familiar faces such as Dom DeLuise, Harvey Korman, Gene Wilder, Madeline Kahn, and Cloris Leachmen are all the usual Brooks suspects, cropping up to bring the funny to a string of unrelated films.  Ditto for Rob Zombie.  Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Tyler Mane, Leslie Easterbrook, and (of corpse, his wife!) Sherri Moon Zombie are all repeat offenders with no less than two film credits apiece.

Sheri Moon and Anne in their Leopard Best

That brings us to the wives!  Behind every great man is a great woman.  Rob Zombie’s main muse is his wife, Sheri Moon Zombie who he married in 2002 after dating for 13 years.  Sheri has starred in every single one of Rob Zombie’s films and many of his music videos, becoming a scream queen in her own right.

In Mel Brooks’ case, his longtime inspiration was his wife, the original Ulti-MILF, Mrs. Robinson herself –Anne Bancroft. The couple was married for over 40 years until her death in 2005.  Brooks cited Bancroft as his biggest cheerleader and the person who pushed him to recreate “The Producers” and “Young Frankenstein” for the Broadway stage. Unlike Rob Zombie’s wife, Bancroft only appeared in one of her husband’s films, acting alongside him his remake of “To Be or Not To Be.”

Although Brooks and Zombie have looked to their wives as on-screen or behind-the-scenes collaborators, both auteurs have made some other rather high profile collaborations with other noteworthy peers. Mel Brooks got his start alongside Carl Reiner and Sid Caesar as a writer for “Your Show of Shows.”  Brooks partnered once again with Carl Reiner on the “2000 Year Old Man” series of comedy routines, resulting in a Grammy for both of them.

Among some of Rob Zombie’s most prominent alliances is his team-up with Lionel Richie on a cover of The Commodores’ “Brick House” for the “House of 1,000 Corpses Soundtrack” and also with Alice Cooper on “Hands of Death,” featured on the “X-Files” soundtrack.  (Incidentally, Rob and Alice are together again for a tour billed as the “Gruesome Twosome,” sharing a double bill on stages across the U.S. and Canada.)

Captain Spaulding to Remake the 'Producers?'

Bearing their respective Grammy noms and nods in mind, as always, with both Mel Brooks and Rob Zombe, music is key.  Some of the most hilarious, jaw-dropping moments in Mel Brooks’ films have been set to song.  No one ever viewed goose-stepping in quite the same way as when a chorus line of high-kicking dancers formed a rotating swastika to the tune of “Springtime For Hitler.” And let’s not overlook the brilliance of the lines, “The Inquisition / Let’s begin! / The Inquisition / Look out sin!” Beyond the occasional song-and-dance routines sprinkled into many of his films (including more recent fare like “Men in Tights” and “Life Stinks”), Mel went all out in crafting music and lyrics for full-scale Broadway musical interpretations of his classic films, “The Producers” and “Young Frankenstein.”

In Rob Zombie’s case, his music was what brought him to the dance, starting out as the frontman for metal group, White Zombie before branching off into his own solo career. After unleashing several albums, Zombie broke into film as a writer/director.  Like Brooks, Rob Zombie wrote many of the musical compositions on his first full-length film, “House of 1,000 Corpses,” contributing both atmospheric instrumental compositions and also thematic original offerings with lyrics pertaining to the film.  Even when he hasn’t written music for his films, the attention to detail in crafting the scenes using music as a scene-enhancer is one of Zombie’s cinematic hallmarks.

The two also share a few bombs between the two of them. For all of the great films Mel Brooks has put out, there have a few clunkers.  While “Silent Movie” was a valiant attempt at making the first non-talkie in decades, it wasn’t quite as up-to-snuff as his other films.  “Life Stinks” and “Spaceballs” had some high spots, but otherwise missed some of their marks.

Even though Rob Zombie doesn’t have quite the body of film work as Mel Brook does, he can look to the dismal remakes of the Michael Myers “Halloween” franchise as his own personal Waterloo.  Zombie has one original film, “Tyranosarus Rex” in the works, but has also been rumored to be helming a remake of “The Blob.”  (These remakes aren’t so hot of an idea, Rob! Really!)

Could a Live-Action Musical Collaboration Be in the Works?

The comparisons between the two continue in terms of animation.  Although you’d never guess that cartoons would be yet another realm for Mel Brooks to conquer, he has with “Spaceballs: The Animated Series,” appearing on cable network, G4.  Running neck-in-neck, in 2009, Rob Zombie released “The Haunted World of El Superbeasto,” an animated comedy/horror film which revolves around a luchador and throws in some Nazi zombies for good measure.  (And you know if there’s one thing Mel Brooks would approve of, it’s laughing at Nazi zombies!)

Although Mel Brooks made his breakthrough in television writing “Your Show of Shows,” Rob Zombie has now claimed some level of fame in TV, having directed a recent episode of “CSI: Miami.” It likely won’t win him an Emmy, but Rob Zombie is slowly inching up to Mel.  The lone sphere Zombie hasn’t found himself involved with that Brooks has broken ground with is live theatre. That said, I’m hoping that some day, Broadway finds itself home to “Devil’s Rejects: The Musical.”