Ghouls on Film

DEAR RIPLEY:
I’m currently dating this wonderful guy. He’s a professor and he’s just really amazing.   He comes from a very prominent family in the area and I know his parents have their reservations about me because I’m just a “little farm girl from Iowa.”

I’m meeting them for the first time tomorrow at dinner and I plan on making them my famous harvest cake.  I’m really excited!  The only problem: I’ve been cursed by an evil old witch, and a demon called the Lamia is haunting me for the next three days before condemning me to hell.  How can I survive the dinner if the Lamia’s wreaking havoc on me?  I really want them to like me.
LAMIA’D IN L.A.

DEAR LAMIA’D,
We’re all haunted by demons, aren’t we? Giving birth to a humanity-destroying alien sure did put a damper on my future. Trust me, your immortal soul is way more important than impressing uptight WASPy would-be in-laws. Put down the spatula, pick up the kitchen knife, and handle your little possession issue before your three days are up.

A Child's Worst Nightmare?

Who: Carol Channing

Why: Though she had a part as Granny in “The Addams Family” TV show, I believe that Miss Carol Channing was meant for much bigger parts in the genre. Have you looked at this picture? It says it all. Better yet, have you seen her in “Alice in Wonderland?” If not watch the clip below.

Possible Roles: Miss Carol is more than just cray-cray looking, she is the perfect mix of evil mother and well-meaning neighbor lady. She could easily play the misunderstood victim, the shut-in aunt who likes to bake “pies” for and of the neighbor children, or crazy cat lady who has a secret hidden in her attic. She’ll make you laugh, she’ll make you cry, she’ll sing you to death.

Should’ve Been?: Madame Blanc, “Suspiria.” I know this is total sacrilege, but I think she could have played Joan Bennett’s part. Dress her in black, rather than white. The lady already knows how to dance.

It seems like the question plaguing every lovelorn horror fan today is “Edward or Jacob”? But, not too long ago, it was “Spike or Angel?”  And perhaps in a few more months, it’ll be “Bill or Eric?”  — or “Alcide” will be thrown into that equation.  Regardless, tastes change and let’s face it, the newer model is always more intriguing than the older one.

The heart is fickle, even long after it’s been ripped out of a chest cavity.

While many franchise flicks afford a longer glimpse at a fanged fantasy boyfriend and allow for an extended “getting to know you” period, sometimes you just want a fiendish fling.  You know the type.  The guy who sets your heart aflutter for one brief, shining (Heeere’s Johnny!) moment, even though you know that romance will be short-lived because of some obvious flaws that you just can’t live with long-term.

Presented here are five crush-worthy creeps to look at, lust after, and then discard as your heart sees fit while you still have the chance.  There’s a type for everyone here — whether you love a good bad boy or the strong, silent type.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Otis - Sexy Serial Killer?

#5 – Otis P. Driftwood, “House of 1,000 Corpses”/”The Devil’s Rejects”
While Norman Bates was the original Mama’s Boy who combined a career with a (rather extreme) love for his family, Otis P. Driftwood does all that and still manages to encapsulate that “bad boy who’s bat guano” vibe.  The adoptive son of the serial killing Firefly clan, Otis consistently shows tough love as a big brother to his equally psychotic sister, Baby. Every so often, a gal needs that “big brother” figure to run to! Don’t let his scruffy, unkempt exterior fool you, though.  Otis has a way with words and can be rather poetic, such as right before beating a man to death or wearing a victim’s face as a mask.  While Otis has a slightly kinky side, you may as well banish all notions of a romantic jaunt to Dairy Queen since he’s not too fond of ice cream.

Cesare Just Wants to Snuggle

#4 – Cesare the Sombambulist, “The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari”
Want a guy that enjoys staying in bed all day on lazy Sunday afternoons (and the rest of the week, too)? Then Cesare is the guy for you!  A strong silent type, Cesare’s not your typical loafer.  This boy’s got a steady job as the full-time henchman of the mad Dr.Caligari, spouting ominous portents and carrying out the Doctor’s whims.  Hey, if he’s willing to do Caligari’s bidding, just imagine how Cesare could be wrapped around your little finger as a potential soul(less) mate!?  As an added bonus, he knows how to work it hipster style with his tight pants, all-black ensemble and black kohl eyeliner. Eat your heart out, Robert Smith!

Freddy - The Man of Your Dreams

#3 – Freddy Krueger, “A Nightmare On Elm Street”
I never really thought about how appealing Freddy Krueger was until a co-worker of mine said that she thought Freddy was sexy. (Her words. Not mine.)  Of course, she was referring to the Robert Englund version of the crispy creep and not the newer, more realistic burn victim look that Jackie Earle Haley sports in the upcoming remake.  Come to think of it, Freddy really does have a number of qualities that the archetypal “man of your dreams” should possess: He’s got razor-sharp wit to go with those razor-sharp claws and always knows the right thing to say to make you laugh during even the most tense moments.  Plus, he’s fashion-forward to the point of being almost metrosexual!  (You gotta love a guy in a fedora!) While he could use a good facial, Freddy seems to appreciate a great manicure.  The only downside to crushing on the Kruegs-ster (besides him killing you in your sleep) is that when he was alive, Freddy wasn’t allowed within 500 feet of a school.  Bummer.

Giorgio - Is He Gruesome or Just European?

#2 – Giorgio, “Castle Freak”
In the market for a continental man with his own castle?  Why settle for any old Eurotrash when you can have, the Castle Freak?!  Lonely and starved for attention (and food) after his abusive caretaker/mother dies, Giorgio had been chained in the basement for most of his life.  While this cellar-dwelling son of a Duchess might not be the best kisser (that whole lack of lips thing and all), this Italian stallion is still a rather affectionate gent.  What he lacks in genitalia — having been castrated as a lad — he makes up for with a certain… uh…. “enthusiasm” as a prostitute in the film privy to the Castle Freak’s”charms” can attest. If you’re a cat person, however, you might want to keep Kitty out of sight when having Giorgio over for dinner.

Dracula Is a Real Prince

#1 Dracula, Gary Oldman in “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”
It always comes back to vampires, doesn’t it?  While Bela Lugosi’s Dracula is the definitive portrayal, Gary Oldman’s version was just pure sex on a stick.  Armed with a dapper Victorian dandy wardrobe, pre-Raphaelite curls, and an endless supply of poetic phrases streaming from his occasionally blood-smeared lips, Dracula’s a real prince.  Literally. Cheesy as it sounds, it doesn’t get much more romantic than hearing “I haff crossed’t oceansss of tyme to find’t h’you” — even if it is Vlad the Impaler whispering those sweet nothings in your ear.

Which movie monster do you find most drool-worthy?  Comment with your own creepy crushes!

Valentine BRAAAIINNNSSSS!

1. Candy covered brains. Just brains is sweet enough.

2. Mani/Pedi. It just doesn’t last that long. Sorry – but it’s a bit of a waste when your fingers and toes just fall off.

3. An alarm clock. I’m undead remember? We’re always up.

4. Condoms. Who needs the little head when you’ve got the big one. Plus, do you really think I’m worried about catching something?? Have you seen me?

5. Kylie Minogue’s hit, “I Can’t Get You Out Of My Head.” It’s funny to me that you think that’s funny.

6. A marriage proposal. Death and marriage are the same thing so… who needs marriage.  Besides zombies are polygamous.

7. A violin serenade. I prefer the small intestine bag pipes.

8. Flowers. Ask yourself this: Do flowers have brains?

9. A puppy. The nose of a dog is 10 thousand times stronger than a human’s. They tend to not love hanging around me.

10. An iphone (or Droid). Cellphones destroy brains. Makes them taste bad. Trust me – it’s a source of a lot of talks at zombie nutrition symposiums.

Things we would like: caviar spoons, bowling lessons, winter gloves, Season 4 of “The Wire,” floss.

Fan-Enhanced Man-Boy-Wolf

On February 11, 2010, “Twilight” actor Taylor Lautner will undergo a different sort of transformation.

Throngs of dirty old women (and some men) lusting after the lupine lad are salivating heavily over the prospect of the wolf boy becoming a wolf man when he finally turns 18 tomorrow.

Not since the Olsen twins were on the verge of lawfully-recognized womanhood has there been such a pandemic fever in regards to eagerly awaiting a celebrity ditching his jailbait status. After all, who didn’t feel just a tad dirty when Jacob blasted his well-muscled chest after whipping off his shirt to encase Bella’s mere flesh wound after that bike accident? Or even – a bit dirtier than that – when it was recently revealed that Taylor will be tackling the title role in “Stretch Armstrong,” a film based on the flexible, bendable kids toy of the same name.

When “Eclipse” hits theatres on June 30th of this year, legions of Twi-hards of voting age and beyond can let their minds wander freely without wondering if Mary Kay Letourneau is a member of Team Jacob, too.