What we found there, aside from the inside of the hotel bar, was that Camille Keaton is a lovely, lovely person and that George Romero planned to do the “Deep Red” remake before he knew Claudio and Dario were in the middle of a family feud. Romero also divulged the inspiration for the motorcycles in “Knightriders,” his desire to remake “Season of the Witch,” and his exhaustion toward the zombie genre. Like the undead themselves, the films just keep coming and coming.

We met a number of extremely enthusiastic fans, filmmakers, and writers who shared our desire to talk late into the night about zombie preparedness and evil pets. We saw many members of the Busey family, P.J. Soles, and most of “The Human Centipede.” We also came back with a laundry list of creative and mildly offensive pick up lines which we hope to use in the future.

Unfortunately, there is one part of the visit we just can’t shake. In fact, it seems to have infected at least one of us. Read this afternoon’s gchattin’ for a more detailed recap of the films we saw, the karaoke we witnessed, and the eight-legged freaks we are still haunted by.

Gettysburg Bites.

Scara: So I think you have the most terrifying take away of the whole event.
Melvira: Well, it definitely made me think of your post for “Ticks” when the Dr. freaked out about the giant swollen bulls eye on me.
Scara: Ok so what do these “spider bites” look like now?
Melvira: They are red swollen blotches with bite punctures in the center. I have them on my stomach chest arms. It’s a cluster eff.
Scara: Is there any possibility that they came from a Busey or step-Busey? Those teeth …
Melvira: I am just glad that we didn’t watch any disease centric films this weekend. I really hope that I am not I am not carrying the Busey bacteria. it could be devastating to my gums. You know before the convention I had the idea of a Busey Sandwich photo, but once you see that grill in person, it’s a whole other ballgame.
Scara: Yep. Plus you can’t really capture the Busey mystique on camera.

George, I am Totally Feeling You on This Zombie Thing, Man …

Scara: Romero had something surprising things to say about the genre that he had a huge hand in shaping and I liked that he kept using the word “man” as emphasis.
Melvira: Oh, the fact that Romero is over zombies. I mean, it was really interesting to hear him say  that “Night of the Living Dead” was created more for the social satire.
Scara: Yep — To say that and then talk about doing another zombie movie himself. Also, I can’t believe how many people loved “Knightriders” in that crowd. The story about how the movie came to be was amazing — the fact that an old man Hollywood producer gave him the idea — but I find it unwatchable.
Melvira: Haha, that was an awesome story. I love it – “Stick them on motorcycles and you’ve got a movie!”
Scara: So continuing on the topic of zombies… “Death of the Dead.”
Melvira: There seemed to be a common theme going on with “Death of the Dead” and “Danger. Zombies. Run” – trying to spoof the whole film making process.
Scara: I don’t think I’ve seen jokes beaten to death like that since… well …it’s like the guys behind the “movie’ movies had a hand in writing them. But, “Death of the Dead” was superior.
Melvira: Definitely.

Delish.

Zombie Boobs, Funyuns

Scara: The zombie genre needs some new life breathed into it.
Melvira: Or maybe it’s time to let it rest for a while, and bring it back with some new tricks.
Scara: But seriously. I want to see something new. I liked that the zombies in “Death of the Dead” were vengeful. I liked that they were caused my medical waste … Although my mind immediately went to Toxie, the bus made me think “Night of the Creeps.”
Melvira: Yeah, the ooze was pretty awesome. I appreciated the “Karate Kid”angle.
Scara: Yeah those were jokes that could have been built upon, but they sort of just fizzled. I liked the sidekick girl though. But, how did the mean cheerleaders get her bra? And were the mean cheerleaders there only for the nude scene?
Melvira: The nude LESBIAN scenes, don’t forget. Yeah, I could see the brainstorming for those parts happening over xbox and Funyuns.
Scara: Totally. I can see a long and involved discussion about zombie boobs. Speaking of which … those zombie boobs held up really well through the decay. Silicone is clearly worth the money.
Melvira: Most definitely. It was interesting to see more Suicide Girl involvement in the genre.
Scara: Interesting or exhausting? What were they showing us that was new?
Melvira: Can I plead the 5th? I mean I like the idea of alternative sex symbols, but just the whole “Porkys” meets zombies crap was way too much.
Scara: I totally agree.

The Good, The Bad, and The Spiders

Scara: What about Horrorfind highlights and lowlights? Final thoughts? For me, the highlight was my Camille Keaton interview and her telling me that I am sweet and cute. (Camille, my lawyer is putting adoption papers in the mail today.) I can’t wait to see her in a movie with Barbara Steele and see what comes out of that new ToeTag offering. I didn’t have the heart to ask her about the makeup in the trailer.
Lowlight: The guy who asked me to lick his wound.
Melvira: “Lick my wound.” was not my fave gentleman at the con.
Scara: Also — The man who told me I would really like the movie “Pussy Soup.”
Melvira: But I firmly believe that you would, he did say it was “cute.” How can you argue? I think one of the high points for me was def Romero, the Q & A was great and nothing beats bringing home an autograph to my mom.  She has been waiting for that for a really long time.
Scara: Yeah that was awesome. I think I know your lowlight.
Melvira: Totally gonna score me some good daughter points. Well, i mean becoming an insect feast. That’s pretty much a given. See, for someone who loves gore. I have a serious problem with things that infest and also filth induced illness of any kind.
Scara: I was actually thinking about Scaryoke.
Melvira: Oh, sorry. Web MD has me so scared right now I can’t focus.
Scara: We’ve been thoroughly traumatized by our Horrorfind experience.
Melvira: Well, you had jello shots to ease the pain. I had to face the audio assult sans shots — not a pretty scene. I do want to give credit to the rest of the entertainment Friday night. The punk band that opened for the Black Sabbath tribute band was amazing. The song about being impregnated by a werewolf. Amazing.
Scara: Hahahaha. Yes, it’s a gal’s dream come true.

I recently got engaged and I’m not sure if how I feel about it.  I mean he’s really great and all, he’s a vamp, and he’s special and I really love him.  Wait, maybe I should explain a bit more.

You see, I think we’re engaged?  It’s complicated. He asked me to marry him and I got a little nervous but before I could say yes he got abducted and then I went looking for him and this really hot werewolf helped me find him and then when we found him, my “fiancé” kind of wrote me off to protect me, I think anyway, but then I had to save him from being killed by his maker and this evil vamp king who wanted to torture me to figure out what I am because I have these weird powers.

Like I can make stuff bright and shield myself, you know?

But then Bill, that’s my fiancé, almost killed me, and my friends and I got upset and said the F word A LOT.  And that werewolf guy, Alcide, he’s really hot, Ripley.  Like, Corporal Hicks hot.  Oh and another thing, sometimes when Bill says my name, I can’t really stand the way he says it.  He says it in this awful way, like it’s a curse word or something.

Sincerely,
Bewildered in Bon Temps

Dear BEWILDERED,
I’m not exactly sure what you’re asking me, or if there is even a concrete question in this jumbled, run-on mess of yours.

I’m going to try and sift through the breadcrumbs here and make it real nice and easy for you to wrap your pretty head around.

THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK.  YOU AREN’T ENGAGED, THANK GOD.  IF IT’S THIS CRAZY NOW IT IS NEVER GOING TO GET ANY FUCKING EASIER.

That being out in the open, Alcide sounds like a promising prospect.  If he’s anything like my Hicks, may he rest in eternal peace, then you my friend are one lucky lady.  Or one lucky whatever-you-are.

Relax , guys. We’re not trying to get you to wear Seinfeld’s puffy shirt. Most of us realize you dress for comfort, but that’s not to say you can’t punch up your look. If there’s one thing we ghouls appreciate, it’s a man with killer style … Especially when he’s killing zombies.

Sometimes, it takes a worldwide pandemic of pseudo-apocalyptic proportions to move a man from his couture comfort zone. Take, for example, “Zombieland’s” Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson). Before the population at large started turning into a bunch of crazed, cannibalistic zombies, he was a doting dad with a closet full of unfortunate outfits. Flashback sequences revealed Tallahassee’s past included not just a young son, but a Cliff Huxtable sweater or two.

Unfortunately, Tallahassee lost his son and his old way of life following the zombie plague. On the bright side, he did pick up an impressive arsenal of weapons and an awesome new wardrobe!

What makes Tallahassee’s look so cool is the fact that it’s casual, comfortable, and can easily be worn by any guy. It’s a no-frills sort of look that screams “urban cowboy,” not “Rhinestone Cowboy.”

Take note, gents. Tallahassee wears a v-neck t-shirt in a dark color that’s suitable for day or evening wear. It’s fitted, but not too tight, with no danger of a draft causing unsightly “high beams.” He keeps it casual by wearing his comfortable v-neck tee with a worn-in pair of jeans. Sufficiently weathered but bearing no holes, his look can look can go from a casual Friday filled with zombie killing to a date night at an abandoned carnival. Tallahassee pairs these dirty-wash jeans over a pair of functional — yet fashionable — cowboy boots.

God, I love a man who can accessorize! And boy, does Tallahassee know how to do it! The brown leather of his knife sheath offsets the dirty-wash of his jeans nicely while the padlock chain and turquoise around his neck are suitably rugged to add a little something extra to his outfit without going for Jersey Shore Guido necklace overkill.

And of course, the cowboy hat is slightly battered and rolled for a look that owes more to John Wayne than Toby Keith. (You do not get more of a manly, yet reassuring, presence than John Wayne.  This is an ethos that Tallahassee seems to take to heart while protecting his fellow survivors. Okay, okay. He couldn’t do too much for Bill Murray, but you can’t win ‘em all.) While ‘hassee’s hat may look like your standard-issue cowboy hat, he’s actually wearing a recycled truck tarp hat that’s fashion-forward and ecologically conscious.

Can you say “swoon”?

And lastly, the piece de resistance of Tallahassee’s ensemble: The Jacket.

When we first encounter him, he’s wearing a sensible, yet fashionable leather jacket. The black, collarless moto looks great with his outfit, but he later swaps it out for something with a bit more Southwestern pizazz.

Let me tell you that even I coveted Tallahassee’s snakeskin jacket. It’s the ultimate “boyfriend jacket” that ladies would love to borrow as much as they would like to see a guy wear it. While it’s unisexily-sexy, it’s still incredibly manly and fashionable when Tallahassee works it! Best of all, the python pattern probably doesn’t show any zombie blood and guts in case of an accidental spattering. So hot!!!

“In anticipation of the upcoming Halloween horror movie season, Adam Green’s HATCHET II will be distributed in theaters across the country beginning Oct 1. The film will be released without an MPAA rating, marking the widest release of an unrated genre film in more than 25 years.”

No rating and Victor Crowley’s triumphant return? That is worth braving any number of bed bug-ridden seats.

Which came first: The Dickies or The Klowns? For me, The Dickies. Without their 1988 “Killer Klowns” album I wouldn’t have seen the movie at a young age and been forewarned about the delicious evils of cotton candy and the myriad ways to use a crazy straw.

The Dickies still drive me ape and I still hope that someday, while I am dancing in my nightgown waiting for a cheezy treat, said treat is delivered by a gang of killers in big red shoes.

However, I feel like “Big Money Rustlas” is not the best way to honor the evil clown legacy. Maybe the Juggalos need to take a trip to Crescent Cove?

As with everything else I hold dear, it looks like there’s a “Killer Klowns from Outer Space” sequel in the works. Find out more news on that from Movie Mike’s interview at Chiller, here.

Dimension Films just announced that “Piranha 3D – THE SEQUEL” is in the works.

Straight from the press release:

“‘PIRANHA 3D’ producer Mark Canton stated, ‘We are thrilled that audiences are not just loving ‘PIRANHA 3D’, but cheering for it. And it’s fantastic that so many critics are really getting the movie and recommending it. We can’t wait to get to work on the sequel.’”

No word on who, where or when, but when EW chatted with Aja he had this to say about a possible second installment: “We had many ideas, like the full moon party in Thailand — a huge event with like 200,00 young people from all around the world taking mushrooms and partying on the beach.”

Eh … not so sure about psychedelic piranhas, but very sure about piranha-vision. And bring back Shue!

But for some, like me, summer has a more sinister undertone.

Ever since fifth grade, I’ve equated warm temperatures with just one thing: the return of the “vampires of the insect world.”

Some people hate spiders, others see snakes and run, I am paralyzed with fear by ticks. Their parasitic pinchers. Their beady eyes. They waited, watching in the tall grass, until this unsuspecting 10-year-old walked by. Soon they were everywhere, even crawling out of my hair. I clawed at my clothing but to no avail.

Since then, with Krueger-like tenacity, they have visited me in my nightmares. The nightmares look something like this (I’m the one in the red half-shirt) minus the butt-cut sporting Seth Green and my b-movie boyfriend Clint Howard. This is why I never go camping. Watch and be warned!

However, some of the most enduring icons of screamdom took their thrones later in life, after years of working in Hollywood. Rather than using horror as a jumping-off point for their careers, these lovely ladies actually prolonged and, in some cases, resurrected their careers with a little help from the more terrifying side of Tinseltown.

Take for example Carpenter’s muse Adrienne Barbeau, who started on Broadway, and flexed her comedic chops opposite Bea Arthur in “Maude” for six years before her roles in “The Fog,” “Creepshow,” “Escape from New York,” and “Swamp Thing.” Radha Mitchell frolicked with the likes of Woody Allen, Johnny Depp and some teeny-tiny pixies before making “Silent Hill,” “Rouge,” and “The Crazies.”  Then there’s Kate Beckinsale who after a Shakespearean start, then skipped into the role of Austen’s most precocious matchmaker Emma, and is now filming her fourth movie as werewolf-loving vampire Selene.

Finally, there’s renowned silent screamer Janet Leigh, who made some of the most respected dramatic films in cinematic history, including “A Touch of Evil” and “The Manchurian Candidate,” but will be forever remembered for her role as Marion Crane in “Psycho.” After her work as Crane, she continued to make movies in the genre for the next thirty years.

So, after seeing the actress lay down the law in Aja’s chomp-romp I had to wonder: Is “Piranha 3D” just the beginning of the bloodbath that awaits Shue? If it does well enough at the box office, will it mean Shue in another “Piranha” or, even better, a longer stay in the field of scares?

Beginning with her role as Ali in the “Karate Kid,” and continuing throughout the ‘90s with such, um, memorable fare as “Deconstructing Harry” and, God help us, the Kilmer-fueled crap storm “The Saint,” Shue’s career was expansive, but contained almost no horror.  As the millennium came to a close, her career began to wind down. She would pop up here and there, in “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” and films better forgotten like “Hamlet 2” and “First Born.”  Shue generally played — and I’m including her role in “Leaving Las Vegas” in this statement — the adorable and charming girl next door.

“First Born” cast Shue in a bit of a different light taking her from girl next door to MILF (Mother I’d Like to Flee).  She continued this trend in “Piranha” and was most recently cast to play the mother in Mark Tonderai’s tale of cul-de-sac creepiness, “House at the End of the Street.”

So what does this mean for Shue’s future in film? Is this the beginning of a new and gory career for the 47-year-old actress? As someone who has loved Shue ever since I heard “The Babysitting Blues,” I wholeheartedly endorse her move into schlock and shock. Like the saying goes, if the Shue fits, scare it.

What? No I'm fine. Just stretching.

Melvira and I went to a screening of “The Last Exorcism” the other night and I should have known when the man himself, Eli Roth, came onscreen to convey a personal message to the audience (plead for positive reviews), it wasn’t going to end well.

For those of you who don’t know the story, here it is right quick:

Son of an evangelical preacher man who grew up teaching the faith, but has none of his own, sets out to make a documentary with thoughtful female boom operator and wise-cracking camera man in order to expose the practice of exorcism as a lie. He visits backwoods family whose “possessed” daughter Nell, Dad, and brother Caleb are clearly not right. Nell could double as yogi master if she didn’t have a penchant for killing livestock and trying to fillet her brother’s face. Brother is a sleepy and disturbed red head. Dad recently lost wife and believes in home schooling.

Sounds pretty awesome, right?

What started out as a solid and fun story eventually devolved into multiple horror cliches and a completely disjointed finale. Both Mel and I felt like we had seen two different movies by the time the credits rolled. It’s as if the writers were possessed (see what I did there?) by the demons of movie marketing and convinced that although an audience would sit through about an hour of fairly original storytelling, they’d be damned if they were going to allow for a unique ending. But velvet capes and pentagrams, that could work.

I’ve probably ruined too much already, but just in case please be warned: SPOILERS AHEAD!

As always I’ll start with the most important part first. Should you see it? We try to answer that via some gchat bullshittin’:

“The Last Exorcism”: Dig It or Bury It?

Melvira: That’s tough, but bury it, I wouldn’t watch it again. It sucks ‘cuz I really like it. It’s like the “Sybil” of horror movies.
Scara: Bury it, but I feel the same way. It’s a cautionary tale for filmmakers. Loved the first hour so I can’t totally dismiss it, but I was so disappointed that I can’t bring myself to tell people to watch it in the theaters.

Ginger Kids = Always Scary

Melvira: I was really pleased with the beginning -pleasantly surprised.
Scara: The pacing was great, there was a nice storytelling quality about the plot.
Melvira: Yeah, it had a nice mix of humor and suspense. There were a few really good “oh shit!” moments.
Scara: Casting was perfect – Ashley Bell, who played Nell, was so subtle in her creepiness. She went back and forth from completely vulnerable to terrifying with just a little smile and a shift in her gaze.
Melvira: She was great, and I thought Patrick Fabian was hilarious.
Scara: It reminded me a bit of the way girls are cast in Japanese horror: can’t help being evil.
Melvira: Yeah, I can see that, especially some of the camera shots they did, seemed very in that vain of creepy/innocent.
Scara: Yeah and Caleb too – Do you know that’s the actor’s name? It’s like he was born to play backwoods brother. Ginger kids. Always scary.
Melvira: His name is Caleb Landry Jones.
Scara: Yeah, it’s so perfect. The other thing I appreciated about the first 2/3 of the film is that the horror came from the threat rather than the actual act. All building of suspense. It made the “Blair Witch” shaky cam, which I typically can’t stand, tolerable.
Melvira: Well, I have to say the one thing I did like about the cam, the only thing, is that when she got ahold of the camera, it was intense when it would shut off and then come back on. You didn’t know what to expect.

Um … When Did We Start Watching an Episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”?

Melvira: Yeah, I mean one of the best parts of the movie was the crying baby drowning baby doll shit. That was creepy. But, it is seriously like they gave up with the plot.
Scara: I know. It could have gone a million places from the point where everyone found out she was pregnant. But instead we got the lamest excuse for an ending. Also, how pregnant was she supposed to be? For the sake of realism they might have wanted to get an OBGYN on set because that Sour Patch baby looked pretty big.
Melvira: Yep. It kinda felt like they got nervous at a point on how to end it,and just reached into the horror bag o’ tricks and were like fuck it, secret cult/satanic baby. Done and done. I would have really liked to see another possession thrown in there, following them from the house, they get back to a slaughter fest at the house. I think i wrote in my notes, “Random horror cliche’s get thicker than Patrick Fabian’s faux southern accent.”

Um … When Did We Start Watching “Hot Fuzz”?

Scara: Then there was the velvet robe/cos-play aspect of it and the decline into total “Blair Witch” ending. Do you think they just wanted to include as many horror cliches as they could think of?
Melvira: Yep. The “Blair Witch” ending was the single most depressing part of that film. I think that they got to a point where they were stuck and if they put everything in there it was bound to appeal to someone.
Scara: Wait! We didn’t even talk about the (literal) writing on the wall. I tend to embrace a use of pentagrams …
Melvira: I mean, when dealing with demons, there is nothing wrong with a little demon graffiti. I’m for it –  pro bloody pentagrams. I do love metal though …
Scara: I know. It usually just feels so right. However … In this case, it was just too much.
Melvira: Do you feel like it was the gateway drug to the secret cult? Also, whose blood was that? No one was dead.

Finally – A Message for the Camera Man

Scara: Sigh… Finally, what about the fire? Do you think we’ll be seeing a “No Really, This is the Last Exorcism, We Mean It This Time” in the future?
Melvira: Dude, by the time the fire was there I already checked out. The cgi fire was effing lame. Lame town.
Scara: Yeah it was very “Potter.” I thought Sirius Black was going to start talking to me. Anything else or have we thoroughly picked this apart? You want to send a message to the wise-cracking camera man?
Melvira: Well, being an ultimate fan of bad 80’s horror that guy is essential to the movie. Every horror movie is in need of the guy who is the “fuck that” kinda dude. The one that would keep them all from dying but always gets killed. I love that guy. I’m just sad that he went the way of “The Blair Witch Project.” Sadly, almost frame for frame the same way.
Scara: Yep. Also, if someone goes to the trouble of making a really lovely portrait of you without a head …  Just run.