How to Survive Your Summer Vacation
Posted by Maedusa West on Monday Jun 21, 2010 Under Monsters, RIP, RemakesSummer is officially here! That means warmer temperatures, shorter hemlines, barbecue cookouts, and trips to the beach. It also means sunburn, botulism from undercooked pork, crappy reruns on the tube, and accidentally stepping on jellyfish at the beach. Depending on whether you look at summer with wide-eyed welcome or a sense of dread reserved for traipsing through a graveyard with a friend named Barbara, Ghouls On Film has compiled a list of helpful tips to help you get through your summer vacation in one piece. Mind you, you don’t have to follow our advice. (You do want to actually have some fun this summer!) These are just a few safety tips to make sure your summer is as fiend-free as possible. Read on to find out how to survive your summer vacation:
Tip #5: Drive Responsibly
Okay, this is more of a year round thing to do than a summer-only safety tip. No good ever came from showing off behind the wheel of a car, particularly after sucking back a few brewskis. You never know when you and your judgment-impaired friends may run into (uhh… literally) some dude dressed like the Gordon’s fisherman and put a damper on your summer fun — and the rest of your lives. You only increase your chances of this happening by adding anyone fitting either the Varsity letterman or teen beauty queen archetype to your carpool. Do yourself a favor and chuck the keys in the bushes or call a cab. You’ll enjoy the rest of your summer much more. Actually, you might even be able to have several more enjoyable summers in the years to come if you heed that bit of advice!
Tip #4: Avoid Port-a-Potties
Inevitably, at some point during the summer, you’ll find yourself at an outdoor venue to check out a baseball game or a concert. If you’re tailgating in the parking lot, (See Tip #5 about driving responsibly afterwards) chances are, at some point you’re going to have to “break the seal.” When that moment comes, if you’re nowhere near the venue’s public restrooms, you have one of two options: Whip it out or squat with a friend standing by on lookout or head to the Port-a-Potty. Both options have their drawbacks. Public indecency carries a pretty hefty fine if your squatter spotter is a tad inebriated and doesn’t keep an eye out for any security personnel watching for someone relieving themselves. On the other hand, the stench and cleanliness factor of most Port-a-Potties is dubious, at best. Not only do you not know what’s lurking on the seat, sometimes, you don’t really know what — or who — is hiding out in the outhouse. If you choose the Port-a-Potty option, bring a spotter friend just in case to make sure you’ve got ample backup in case some nut attempts to give you an Atomic Brown Swirlie o’ Death:
Tip #3: Visit the Ice Cream Truck Sparingly
If you’re planning on hitting the beach, seeing yourself in a swimsuit for the first time after a long winter of plowing through vats of mac n’ cheese is scarier than a zombie beach party. Hell, at a zombie beach party, mostly everyone is in such a ’90s Kate Moss state of emaciated decomposition that they can fit into just about any teeny weenie polka dot bikini they want. Which is all the more incentive to avoid the tinkling sounds and tastes of that summertime mobile confectionery pusher, the Ice Cream Man. Sure, a black and white milkshake is cold, creamy and delicious, but it’s also chock full of empty calories.
If that’s not enough, think of all of the trans-fats and other additives in there. Other additives like … people. Think twice about bellying up to the ice cream truck window when you see kids backing away slowly from the man with the ice pick screaming: “When are you little turds gonna learn you can’t run away from the ice cream man?!” He might just be an escaped mental patient who made one two many lemon phosphates and went “el snappo!”
Tip #2 – Avoid Tanning Beds
Let’s face it. We ghouls aren’t exactly renowned for our healthy complexions. There are still those among us who make the occasional pilgrimage to the tanning parlour in an attempt to get a “healthy,” glowing base in an effort to stave off sunburn at the beach. Apparently, the threat of skin cancer isn’t enough to deter people from stepping into one of these Fake n’ Bake contraptions. Not even the orange-hued complexions of Snookie and The Situation from that MTV cautionary tale known as “Jersey Shore” can stop people from attempting to turn themselves into walking, talking Doritos in swimsuits once summer rolls in. It doesn’t help matters that even the original ghoul himself, John McCain, has been throwing mad Twitter love Snookers’ way. It’s all but a ringing endorsement for climbing into one of these things and obtaining a faux glow. Look, I know these things resemble a coffin and may feel like home, but they’re bad for you. Really. Take a look at what happened to Ashley and Ashlynn in “Final Destination 3″ and remember to reach for a bottle of self-tanner instead:
Tip# 1: Summer Camp: The Granddaddy of All Bad Ideas
If there’s one place you don’t want to find yourself during the long, hot months ahead, it’s summer camp. The vast majority of statistics point to the fact that no good can come from spending time at summer camp. None. All sorts of bad things can happen: Wedgies. Death by bee stings. Psychopathic transsexual camp counselors who like to kill. Drownings. Being forced to sing countless rounds of “Kumbaya” while being force fed subpar S’mores made with stale graham crackers. These are all big, honking red checks in the “Do Not Go To Summer Camp” column. Don’t take my word for it, though. Just ask the kids who spent their final summer at Sleepaway Camp or Camp Crystal Lake’s poster boy for having a reaaaaaaallly bad summer, young Jason Voorhees:
