You Say She's Just a Friend
There comes a time in everyone’s life where you find yourself falling for a friend. You think that the bond you share can be escalated to a deeper, more romantic level. Sometimes, you get the fairy tale. Other times, you hear the magic words: “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” That’s when your worst fears have been confirmed:
You’ve been banished to the dark recesses of a place known only as “The Friend Zone.”
Oddly enough, the horror genre has produced a host of characters who have braved the lonely path of The Friend Zone. One woman in particular blazed a trail through this lonely stretch of territory, standing as a prime example of what Rod Stewart once so eloquently described: “When the one you love’s in love with someone else / Don’t you know it’s torture / I mean it’s a living hell.” (As if quoting Rod Stewart isn’t terrifying enough by itself.) That woman who first traipsed through televised Friend Zone territory is “Dark Shadows’” Dr. Julia Hoffman.
Before “Days of Our Lives” had that horror-tinged storyline with one of its main characters demonically possessed and before “Passions” embraced its creepy camp factor, “Dark Shadows” was the supernatural soap opera that started it all. Airing on daytime television from 1966 to 1971, “Dark Shadows” focused on the wealthy New England Collins family and their dark secrets — chief of which was a charming, Old World vampire cousin, Barnabas Collins.
Barnabas, a centuries old vampire, had been cursed by his jilted lover, who was, ironically, the former servant of his betrothed, Josette DuPres. Little did he know that the dame he ditched was really a witch. As a result of his curse, Barnabas’ father chained him in a coffin in the family mausoleum where he was entombed until petty thief and wannabe-graverobber, Willie Loomis, tried to grab a handful of the Collins family jewels from the vault. Instead, the newly-freed Barnabas grabbed a handful of throat and made him his own personal, Rennfield-esque manservant.
In spite of the fact that he had a century or so to ponder the ramifications of double- dipping, Barnabas never really learned to take “no” for an answer or say “yes” to a gal who was truly interested in him. Throughout the ’60s and ’70s — and in the series’ numerous travels through time in the past via inter-dimensional portals –Barnabas kept throwing himself at the same type of chick. The type of girl that Barnabas liked — and would frequently kidnap, lock in his basement, and attempt to brainwash into believing she was his long-lost love — was usually a wide-eyed brunette ingénue in her early-to-mid ’20s.
Julia's Wildest Dream
While vampire Barnabas was enthralled with this type of girl, he completely overlooked a woman who was willing to do anything for him — Dr. Julia Hoffman (played by Academy Award-nominated actress, Grayson Hall in the original series). After Barnabas kidnapped a local girl, Maggie Collins, in an attempt to brainwash her into believing she was his long-dead love, Dr. Hoffman was introduced as a psychiatrist charged with the task of unraveling Maggie’s damaged mind.
Conveniently, Dr. Hoffman also specialized in rare blood disorders. Her search led her to Collinwood, where, unlike the rest of the dimwits, it didn’t take her long to deduce that Barnabas Collins was actually a vampire. She even headed ol’ Barney off at the pass when he attempted to off her, countering his fang-baring with the offer of an experimental cure for his vampirism.
Like many a smart lady, Dr. Hoffman didn’t count on falling in love with Barnabas. Even the most brilliant women in any field are inexplicably drawn towards these “bad boy” types and apparently, Julia’s kryptonite of choice happened to be suave Euro-vamps. While Barnabas Collins was certainly a cut above the rest with his impeccably tailored tweed suits and sense of (really) Old World grace, he still fit the mold of the heartbreaker who didn’t reciprocate Julia’s admittedly well-concealed feelings. She never made any explicit moves towards her subject, yet it was implied that Julia had quite a crush on the old crypt crawler.
Barnabas, on the other hand, didn’t have the time of day (or dusk) for Julia beyond her helping him find a cure for his centuries-old curse. He aborted his mission to convince Maggie Evans that she was his old flame and set his sights on a new girl in Collinsport: dewy, brunette governess Victoria Winters. Her employment with the Collins family put her directly in the crosshairs of Barnabas’ affections. Despite the fact that she was engaged to one of the better looking dudes in Collinsport, it did nothing to deter Barnabas’ plans to make her his mate.
By contrast, Dr. Hoffman — more Jane Hathaway than Anne Hathaway — posed little competition to her beloved Barnabas’ cadre of conquests. Rolling up on 50, she was closer to Barnabas’ age (estimated at roughly 200 years). Barnabas (who appeared to be perpetually stuck in his 40s), however, opted to chase the younger lasses. Julia took note of this and decided to give herself a makeover, adopting a short, mod style to her titian tresses rather than the dated, chin-length bob that made her look her age.
How else is a gal to compete with sweet young thangs running around Collinwood in their mod togs and sassy little hairdos!?
Jealousy crept in while Julia was experimenting with a cure for Barnabas, realizing that if he became human, he would merely feel gratitude towards her for breaking his curse.
Just gratitude.
Ultimately, through Julia’s machinations, the cure flopped. However, while Victoria Winters gradually faded from Collinsport and Barnabas’s crosshairs of love, Dr. Hoffman stood by his side as part of his close-knit circle of friends, which had expanded to include Professor Stokes, a cantankerous old pedagogue with a wealth of occult knowledge. The trio would travel through time together to try to right the wrongs of present-day Collinwood. But no matter how many times Julia changed her hairstyles, batted her eyes and said, “but, Barnabas!” he never took notice.
“Dark Shadows” was cancelled in 1971 and the question of whether or not Dr. Hoffman would get her man was never resolved on-air. Initially, the plan that the writers (one of whom was Sam Hall, the husband of Grayson Hall) concocted was that after a return from a parallel universe (Bizarro Collinwood!), Barnabas would somehow find himself human again and realize that Julia had always been there with him and the two would run off to Europe together. With the series cancellation, that plot never materialized.
In the 1990s, “Dark Shadows” was given a short-lived remake treatment on NBC that ran for 12 episodes. This time, scream queen Barbara Steele was cast in the role of Dr. Julia Hoffman. Undoubtedly an attractive woman, the show de-glammed Steele’s version of Dr. Hoffman by pulling her hair back into a severe bun or braid and accessorizing this look with glasses and a lab coat. No doubt, she was to be Friend Zone fodder, too.
The ill-fated re-redux of the “Dark Shadows” series that was slated for the 2004 season on the equally ill-fated WB network was to feature the unquestionably young and gorgeous Kelly Hu as Julia Hoffman. While Hu’s good doctor would still have to competed against Maggie Evans and Victoria Winters, who’s to say how she would have fared in the eyes of her fearless vampire lover on that version of the television show. It remains to be seen who Tim Burton will cast as the indispensable Dr. Hoffman playing opposite Johnny Depp’s Barnabas Collins in the upcoming film version. My money’s on Burton’s unconventionally attractive muse, Helena Bonham Carter, to take up Julia’s test tube-littered mantle.
Regardless of her fate in future incarnations, Dr. Julia Hoffman pioneered the way for many a gal stuck in that dread limbo known as The Friend Zone. If you think Julia had it bad, just wait until Ghouls On Film explores her unofficial “descendants,” doomed to “Just Friends” status on their own respective television shows. Stay tuned, Ghouls!
Do you know the song “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”? No? It goes a little something like this:
I like to think of Freddie Francis’ story of a murderous British aristocratic family and their two maniacal moppets, “Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny, & Girly,” as the other side of the “Little Girls” coin. It’s what happens when the overly-sexualized girl who Chevalier leered at, grown up but still permanently frozen in a Lolita-like mental state, takes revenge. I imagine that if Ole Oggler Chevalier saw the “flash” in Girly’s eyes he would hike up his sock suspenders, turn tail, and run.
If you’re unfamiliar with “Girly” let’s just say she lives as a grown up doll in a Victorian-fantasy world. It’s hard to resist the allure of Girly’s baby doll aesthetic, moldering home, and rotten tooth diet of pudding and tea cakes. Plus, she and her brother Sonny get to hang out in the park all day making (and mangling) new friends. There are problems in the happy home, like her vaguely incestuous relationship with Sonny and the fact that she has to sleep in a crib. And sure, her Nanny and Mumsy can be nags, but they have her best interest at heart.
