Ghouls on Film

Take a seat. Hmmmmm, ok let’s see – your resume is excellent – written in blood and oh! letters cut out of various magazines! Nice touch. And your qualifications are excellent: Special Skills – sewing garments from women’s skin – it’s nice to see there are still artisans out there. Oh, and you were in four sequels! A company man. I like that.

But I’m going to have to level with you — if you could just put your eye back in, and focus. The job market isn’t what it used to be. With all the remakes in the works, people in your profession are starting younger and younger. It’s all about reboot now — fresh faces and fresh kills.

But not to worry, I think we can find something for someone with your … kill set. Let’s see here …

Jason Vorhees
Your knife skills are, without a doubt, excellent and you clearly excel in all things domestic. I can only imagine your mother had more than a little influence on you at an early age. The way you decorated your room, your use of skulls – it’s just the kind of shabby chic that’s all the rage right now. I’m feeling something in the “lifestyles” field. I know you’re not much of a writer, but your larger-than-life persona would do well on the Home Shopping Network. “The Knife Show” has an opening right now, and I think “Do It Yourself” is looking for a new face. If that’s what’s behind that hockey mask! Oh, I kid…

Hold on.

B-i-n-g-o spells Bingo! Do you happen to speak Japanese? There’s an opening for a cook at Benihana!

Michael Meyers
My gosh! What are you doing hiding behind that door? Stop lurking and sit down, for Pete’s sake. I thought people from the Midwest were supposed to be polite. Well, one thing is for certain right off the bat – someone is going to need a haircut.

OK…not very talkative, are we? Now, there seems to be a large amount of time in your work history unaccounted for – looks like fifteen years! What were you doing during that time? Hello … anyone in there? OK, well, we’ll just call those “mental health years”!

OK. Seems like you have a lot of endurance…your career spans 20 years since then. You clearly have great tracking skills and a lot of patience … maybe you could do detective work of some sort. Or you could be a buyer for Marshalls! Oh, wait a minute, what’s this, you worked for a Mr. Carpenter? Now is that a carpenter carpenter? No?

Well, now, I’m just plain confused. Look, until we get your resume cleaned up, let’s just set you up with a babysitting job.

Pinhead
Well, I can certainly see I can’t ask you to wear a hat to an interview!

I see from your resume you’ve had a quite a bit of experience harvesting. Have you ever considered organic farming? It would be an open environment for you, if you know what I mean. The people you’d interact with would be more liberal, familiar with um… alternative lifestyles … and all those piercings won’t be a problem. Plus, you’d be working outside with a number of tools. Oh! You’ve had experience with that? Fantastic! You might have to look into buying some new work clothes though, since leather doesn’t really breathe. Maybe something in linen?

And you’ve stated your work objective on your resume as “I’ll tear your soil apart.”

Perfect!

I’m sorry … excuse me? I’ll tear your SOUL apart? Oh, silly me, read it wrong! Oh well, maybe we should just make that – “I’ll till your soil apart.” Let’s change it on your application … now where did I put the Frite Out?

Jigsaw
Well, my goodness, you have a wonderful speaking voice. I think you could get me to do just about anything you wanted! My goodness, am I blushing? Oksie doksie, let’s take a looksee … Strengths: Persuasive, enjoys pointing out people’s flaws, creates challenges that put individuals in positions where they must struggle to survive, relies heavily on symbolism to get a point across, good at puzzles. Weaknesses: Fails suicide attempts, ego-driven to make mark on history, shows up to work after death.

Well. There’s only one place for you.

Advertising.

Ben Willis
Ben, Ben, Ben – If only the Gorton’s Fisherman would drop dead, am I right? No, no, put the hook away – it’s just a turn of phrase. Oooooohkay, let’s see. Lifeguard, no – Teen Counselor, no – Driving Instructor, no. Hold the phone – they’re looking for a new Captain on Deadliest Catch! It’s perfect. You won’t even have to buy the uniform! What do you mean, what’s Deadliest Catch? WHERE in Hell have you been? Oh, God, put away the hoooooook – it’s just a turn of phrase!

Do you know the song “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”? No? It goes a little something like this:

Thank heaven for little girls
for little girls get bigger every day!

Thank heaven for little girls
they grow up in the most delightful way!

Those little eyes so helpless and appealing
one day will flash and send you crashin’ thru the ceilin’

Sung by the elderly, top-hatted Maurice Chevalier in “Gigi,” I can only imagine that it became the unofficial theme song of Polanski-ites the world over.

I like to think of Freddie Francis’ story of a murderous British aristocratic family and their two maniacal moppets, “Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny, & Girly,” as the other side of the “Little Girls” coin. It’s what happens when the overly-sexualized girl who Chevalier leered at, grown up but still permanently frozen in a Lolita-like mental state, takes revenge. I imagine that if Ole Oggler Chevalier saw the “flash” in Girly’s eyes he would hike up his sock suspenders, turn tail, and run.

If you’re unfamiliar with “Girly” let’s just say she lives as a grown up doll in a Victorian-fantasy world. It’s hard to resist the allure of Girly’s baby doll aesthetic, moldering home, and rotten tooth diet of pudding and tea cakes. Plus, she and her brother Sonny get to hang out in the park all day making (and mangling) new friends. There are problems in the happy home, like her vaguely incestuous relationship with Sonny and the fact that she has to sleep in a crib. And sure, her Nanny and Mumsy can be nags, but they have her best interest at heart.

Girly’s world is a simple place, filled with rituals of the, quite literally, bloody bourgeois. It’s quite simple, really: If you learn the game and follow a few rules, you’ll most likely live to see another day. If not, you might get an ax through the door, Jack Torrance-style. But not to worry, being “sent to the angels” sounds kind of peaceful. Doesn’t it?

Girly Rule #4: In a Happy Family You Must Always Have Rules
The first rule of “Girly” is you have to follow the rules of The Game and never question. Even if you don’t know you’re playing The Game. So, eat up your jelly or you won’t get any tea cakes. And never complain or you’ll have to take your medicine.

Girly Rule #3: Make New Friends, but Keep the Old
Just like the Girl Scouts, Girly and Sonny know how important old friends are to keep around. So, when New Friend comes into the picture Sonny makes sure not to leave Number Five out of the fun. Unfortunately, good ole Five isn’t so skilled when it comes to archery. Strangely enough, Soldier wasn’t very good at “Oranges and Lemons” either. He got so flustered, he lost his head.

Girly Rule #2: It’s Always Good to Share
As anyone who has taken an intro psych course knows, when girls reach post-adolescence they sometimes face competition in the form of their own dear mother. Girly and Mumsy are no exception. When Girly brings home the low rent New Friend, well, modesty at bath time and during the weekly shopping trip is soon forgotten. But, once Nanny is out of the picture Mumsy and Nanny realize there’s no need to squabble, New Friend will just have to work twice as hard and be twice as clean.

Girly Rule #1: Mind Your Own Business
Even if he does look like a ‘60s rock icon and clearly delights in hunting down young men, it doesn’t excuse the fact that Sonny is a tattle tale. And no one likes a tattle tale, especially not Girly. What does she like even less? When Sonny makes her break her doll.

Dear Ripley,

You just have to help me. Uh… I… I’m just gonna come right out with it. I’m stuck in a financially successful yet ultimately bad movie franchise, and I don’t know what to do.

See, I’m … different from other people. I’ve always felt a bit out of sorts and just not like everyone else.  Somehow, I managed to make both the hottest vampire alive and an ultra buff werewolf fall in love with me. And while that’s great and all, I feel like the movie adaptations of my life are just blowing this whole vampire vs. werewolf thing out of proportion. ‘Cause the story is about me, right?  How I’m searching for where I belong and like, searching for MYSELF?  The books did a great job explaining that, but these movies. Man, so much money pumped into them, you’d at least think they’d get the hair and makeup part right.

Anyway, please help! I … I … just don’t think I can stand for two more crappy movies about me. I wonder if this is how Amy Fisher felt when all those made-for-tv movies were released?

Sincerely,
CAUGHT IN A HIGH-POWERED HOLLYWOOD TRAP

Dear CAUGHT,

I completely feel your pain. It was bad enough when I was forced to shave my head in “Alien 3,” but when the studio had the nerve to clone me and make me go through the same old shit all over again … well, let’s just say the real Ellen Ripley would never have stood for that. And don’t get me started on the “Alien vs. Predator” mini-franchise – even though I wasn’t in any of those, all my blood, sweat, and tears went into some schlocky, over-processed fan boy’s wet dream.

That being said, the best you can do is see it through.  Steel yourself for the final mess that will inevitably be “Breaking Dawn,” parts 1 and 2 (yes, I actually am a bit of a “Twilight” fan). It will be hard, no doubt, for you to watch the grotesque birth scene, but darling, don’t fret. In another five to ten years someone will remake the entire series from scratch anyway, and no one will really remember the first go. Look what they’re doing for “Spider-Man!” Trust me – all will right itself in time, which you have plenty of.

TEAM CHARLIE

This scene in the classic and ridiculously funny horror film “Braindead” (aka “Dead Alive”) by director Peter Jackson (pre-pre-”Lord of the Rings”) will force you to do a thorough check of any pudding, flan, or crème brulee you are ever served again.
 
I love custardy desserts.  All that rich, creamy goodness that’s whipped up until it is perfectly smooth and delicious.  It’s chock full of fat yet deceivingly light.  What could be bad?  Hmmm … a harmless little after dinner treat until the quintessential “Mum” of horror, Vera Cosgrove, adds her unwelcome ingredients to it. 
 

So if you ever spot something funky in your dessert, here are a few appropriate responses you can give to your gracious host:
 
Darn, I just maxed out on my weight watchers points.
 
Scream out in a panic, “my earring is gone,” then duck underneath the table and search for it until the dessert course is over.
 
Ooh!  Is that custard?  I don’t want to tell you what happens to me when I eat eggs.
 
House fly!  (then, quickly cover the bowl like you’ve managed to trap it and discreetly run to the kitchen to discard).
 
They can’t be mad at that.

Get Out While You Still Can!

Do strange things keep happening to you? Does something seem just a little bit off? Are your friends and family getting spooked?

You might be living in a horror movie.

But how can you know for sure? Allison and I have put together 13 simple signs that you need to start running for your life.

• You’ve decided to wear platform wedges camping.

• You can’t find your collection of masks after your brother visits.

• You never have to open a door – they do it by themselves.

• Your new friend’s coat is made out of…your Ex.

• The man of your dreams is named Freddy.

• You wake up in your pod WAY before your ship gets back to Earth.

• People keep following you with torches.

• You’re not eating that Jello, that Jello is eating you.

• No one has the map to the cave.

• Your toddler has a British accent.

• Your Netflix cue includes “Lady with Hair in Face Crawling Backwards into Well.”

• Ruth Gordon is your neighbor.

• Someone’s doing experiments on monkeys again!

Did we miss a sure sign? Let us know!