Ghouls on Film

Dear Ripley,

I recently got engaged and I’m not sure if how I feel about it.  I mean he’s really great and all, he’s a vamp, and he’s special and I really love him.  Wait, maybe I should explain a bit more.

You see, I think we’re engaged?  It’s complicated. He asked me to marry him and I got a little nervous but before I could say yes he got abducted and then I went looking for him and this really hot werewolf helped me find him and then when we found him, my “fiancé” kind of wrote me off to protect me, I think anyway, but then I had to save him from being killed by his maker and this evil vamp king who wanted to torture me to figure out what I am because I have these weird powers.

Like I can make stuff bright and shield myself, you know?

But then Bill, that’s my fiancé, almost killed me, and my friends and I got upset and said the F word A LOT.  And that werewolf guy, Alcide, he’s really hot, Ripley.  Like, Corporal Hicks hot.  Oh and another thing, sometimes when Bill says my name, I can’t really stand the way he says it.  He says it in this awful way, like it’s a curse word or something.

Sincerely,
Bewildered in Bon Temps

Dear BEWILDERED,
I’m not exactly sure what you’re asking me, or if there is even a concrete question in this jumbled, run-on mess of yours.

I’m going to try and sift through the breadcrumbs here and make it real nice and easy for you to wrap your pretty head around.

THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK.  YOU AREN’T ENGAGED, THANK GOD.  IF IT’S THIS CRAZY NOW IT IS NEVER GOING TO GET ANY FUCKING EASIER.

That being out in the open, Alcide sounds like a promising prospect.  If he’s anything like my Hicks, may he rest in eternal peace, then you my friend are one lucky lady.  Or one lucky whatever-you-are.

Dear Ripley,

I’ve been stalked for over ten years, but have managed to stay alive.  I’ve been pushed, punched, stabbed, kicked – you name it.  I’ve seen loved ones killed in front of me, by someone I thought I could trust.  My story was made into a series of movies, books, comics, etc.  It’s hard to run away from.

It’s been quiet for a while; I was pretty sure we had taken care of the son of a bitch.  I was a hotline counselor for a while, and now I’m a successful writer.  Things were going great … now it’s starting all over again.

This time it’s not just me they’re after – my cousin is a target too.  I feel so helpless; all I can think of doing is staring off to either side while looking frightened.  I’m not sure if I have the strength to fight anymore.  What can I do?

Sincerely,
WORRIED IN WOODSBORO

Dear WORRIED,

It sounds like we have a lot in common.  If I weren’t floating in deep space right now, I’d take you out for coffee – I think we’d have a lot to discuss about being hunted.  That being said: SNAP OUT OF IT.  You have a cousin to train and protect.  After ten years you’d think you would have learned something from your endeavor?   Sit her down, force her to watch all of the “Stab” movies, and then give her some hand-to-hand combat lessons.  Better make her watch “Aliens” too, just for good measure (if only for ideas on witty in-fight banter).

You’ve lasted this long, strangely enough, why stop fighting now?  So you had a nice vacation – it’s time to wake up and start sharpening your knives.

Dear Ripley,

You just have to help me. Uh… I… I’m just gonna come right out with it. I’m stuck in a financially successful yet ultimately bad movie franchise, and I don’t know what to do.

See, I’m … different from other people. I’ve always felt a bit out of sorts and just not like everyone else.  Somehow, I managed to make both the hottest vampire alive and an ultra buff werewolf fall in love with me. And while that’s great and all, I feel like the movie adaptations of my life are just blowing this whole vampire vs. werewolf thing out of proportion. ‘Cause the story is about me, right?  How I’m searching for where I belong and like, searching for MYSELF?  The books did a great job explaining that, but these movies. Man, so much money pumped into them, you’d at least think they’d get the hair and makeup part right.

Anyway, please help! I … I … just don’t think I can stand for two more crappy movies about me. I wonder if this is how Amy Fisher felt when all those made-for-tv movies were released?

Sincerely,
CAUGHT IN A HIGH-POWERED HOLLYWOOD TRAP

Dear CAUGHT,

I completely feel your pain. It was bad enough when I was forced to shave my head in “Alien 3,” but when the studio had the nerve to clone me and make me go through the same old shit all over again … well, let’s just say the real Ellen Ripley would never have stood for that. And don’t get me started on the “Alien vs. Predator” mini-franchise – even though I wasn’t in any of those, all my blood, sweat, and tears went into some schlocky, over-processed fan boy’s wet dream.

That being said, the best you can do is see it through.  Steel yourself for the final mess that will inevitably be “Breaking Dawn,” parts 1 and 2 (yes, I actually am a bit of a “Twilight” fan). It will be hard, no doubt, for you to watch the grotesque birth scene, but darling, don’t fret. In another five to ten years someone will remake the entire series from scratch anyway, and no one will really remember the first go. Look what they’re doing for “Spider-Man!” Trust me – all will right itself in time, which you have plenty of.

TEAM CHARLIE