Ghouls on Film

Time to Hit the Road

B-horror’s Mod masterpiece “Psychomania,” or “The Death Wheelers,” has been in my movie rotation for years. In the movie, a small gang of ‘60s bikers terrorize the English countryside led by delinquent rich boy Tom Latham with his sweetheart, good-girl biker chick Abby, in tow.

Sounds awesome, right?

The thing is though, Tom’s a jerk. I am pretty sure that Abby’s friends (had they not all killed themselves) would have had an intervention.  I imagine it would go something like this;

Dear Abby,

We didn’t want to have to tell you this way, but some of us have decided it’s time to talk to you about your boyfriend.Let’s face it, behind the tight turtlenecks and bad British smile is not exactly what we would call a good guy.

Here are our top 5 reasons Tom is a bad boyfriend:

Devilish Tom and His Toadies

1)   He’s a mama’s boy. Seriously, the man still lives at home and let’s face it, his mom’s filthy rich and can speak to the dead.  You are not gonna beat that no matter how many day-glow moo-moos you rock.
2)    His pants are tighter than yours. Really? This isn’t Williamsburg (and thank God). You know, leather doesn’t breathe, so he’s not helping matters if you are looking to have kids one day.

3)   He can’t take “no” for an answer. Look girl, when you tell a man “No, I do not want to kill myself and come back as the undead just ‘cus you want me to,” he should respect it. If you ask me, the whole threatening to kill you himself thing, well, that just screams selfish.

4)   He has the attention span of a five year old. Like, adult ADD for reals. I mean, you are making out and getting hot in the graveyard, the only thing that could make it any hotter would be to have “Cemetery Gates” playing on your boombox, and he hops up to start catching frogs. Are you gonna have to get him some Aderol?

5)    He’s always gonna be stoned. Not like playing Xbox and eating Funyuns kinda stoned, like encased in granite for eternity stoned. That’s what happens when you fool around and break your pact with the devil. Shadwell takes no crap.

Look Abby, everyone loves a bad boy, but in the end, behind that crooked smile and ambiguous flowing hair, is not the guy you want to bring home to your mom. So, get out there and find yourself a nice boy. Maybe Jane could help you start an Okcupid profile. Just try to stay away from guys whose interests include searching for immortality and driving through brick walls.

Let’s just get this out of the way. Tilda Swinton scares the crap out of me.  She’s that German kind of scary. Do you know what I mean? A cold, angular, Lundgren-esque man-woman who looks like she’s wearing shoulder pads even when her clothes are off. She’s managed to have a husband, two children and a lover who all live in perfect harmony. I am pretty sure she only has Krautrock on her iPod.

Still don’t see it? Go Fug Yourself has devoted countless well-spent hours to the documentation of Swinton’s unique and disturbing aesthetic.

But Swinton’s look does have its place, and I think it’s a perfect fit for “The Blood Countess,” a retelling of the story of Countess Báthory. According to  24 Frames Per Second the actress “is currently being tipped to star in a German/English horror co-production.” To give you a little background on Elizabeth Báthory de Ecsed, she was a Hungarian countess accused of torturing and murdering hundreds young women. She is rumored to have used their blood as a youth elixir.
I can totally see Swinton at a blood spa.

The synopsis of the movie is as follows via 24 Frames:

Impatiently awaiting the arrival of her devoted maid Hermine, the countess Erzsébeth Báthory, also known as La Comtesse Sanglante, a tigress in human disguise, ascends into the open daylight. At breathtaking speed, the two women race through a Vienna of ghoulish beauty. Their entourage: Báthorys nephew Bubi, a vegetarian vampire who refuses to follow family traditions, his therapist, two wacky vampirologists, some members of the duelling fraternity “Vampiria”, an all-female music ensemble, and many more. “Wiener Blut”, Viennese blood is shed by the buckets while the hearts of the present Habsburgians and Viennese beat high. This is a cracked journey to the roots of a myth that has lost nothing of its appeal: to the Vampyre Empire! Naturally, the showdown takes place at Vienna´s “Prater” – during a midnight supper on that fair´s famous Ferris wheel.

First of all, this synopsis reads like it’s been translated from some lost Austro-Hungarian text of the later 19th Century. Secondly, “Weiner Blut” is totally the name of my new Rammstein cover band. Thirdly, there’s a music ensemble? The only thing that could make this better is if they somehow got Mad King Ludwig involved. He’s a couple of hundred years after Countess Báthory, but I’ve got a hunch they would get along. All those castles, the romping in the forests, the tendency toward decadence and theatrics. Not such a jump to imagine that Ludwig had a little blood lust.

What do you think? Swinton perfect?

Sometimes I still find myself peaking out of the shower curtain. Just to check.

Happy (Belated – it was yesterday. Where was my Facebook reminder?) birthday to one of the most influential cultural phenomena in horror history: Alfred Hitchcock’s “Psycho.” Janet Leigh certainly set the bar high for shower scenes to come, including countless YouTube reenactments made by film students …

And this moment from the “The Magic of David Copperfield” which will haunt me forever:

A Healthy Diet Is Important

In a recent survey, when approximately 6000 Zombies were asked to name their favorite holiday, Passover, sometimes known as “the Jewish Easter,” came out on top by a huge margin.

Why Pesah? It’s simple really. There are a great number of parallels between leaving the enslavement of mortality and the Hebrews’ escape from enslavement in Egypt. As a matter of fact, the story of Passover contains so many elements that feel familiar and fit right into Zombie life like themes of Exodus, the ritual of setting an extra plate and cup for fellow undead, the ghost of the profit Eliyahu, and the whole slaying of the first born. It’s no wonder why so many Zombies are drawn to this particular Jewish celebration.

When interviewed, many agreed that having a fellow undead recognized as a prophet in the story was definitely attractive, and beyond that welcomed to the Seder table. “It’s nice to engage in a bit of undead shoptalk with the others,” said one of the Zombie elders.

However, others feel the story is too limiting, revolving around the plague of the slaying of the first-born. “There are many rewrites of this in our Talmud,” a Rabbi Zombie told us. “Many think it should be changed to be slaying of the first born, second born, third born, it doesn’t matter – as long as they have brains.”

He laughed when talking about how the Hebrews were instructed to mark the doorposts of their homes with the blood of a spring lamb so the spirit of death would pass over these homes. “It still works today with us! If we see a doorway marked with blood, we just assume a fellow Zom has already eaten everyone there so it’s best not to waste time and move on. Living people can be really cunning even in modern times!”

As most Jewish holidays revolve around food, you may wonder how this plays into the undead’s steady diet of brains and other dense organs. It turns out they love it – for the most part. The unleavened bread, Matzoh, symbolic to this celebration is devoured by Zombies as “it sticks to the bones” and makes organs, especially ductless ones, “easier to digest”. Many report that Matzoh makes you feel full longer and is a perfect midnight snack. Some liberties have been taken with the Seder plate to update it, most significantly, the lamb shank bone placed on the Seder plate is usually replaced by a human one.

Part of the Seder requires the youngest at the table to ask the Four Questions. How does this work at a Zombie Seder?

“It does take a very long time to work out who is the youngest amongst the undead. That’s why it’s good to have a few living at the Seder as well. It livens it up, especially when searching for the aifikoman! Everyone loves searching for the afikoman. It’s like searching for survivors to eat. Last year, I was the one who found it. Part of the ritual is to demand a reward to return it and bargain with the host. The host offered me one of the living guests as the reward, but in the spirit of Passover, I just went with twenty bucks. I wanted to show to the living that this night really was different from other nights.”

There is also a rabbinic requirement that four cups of wine are to be drunk during the Seder. This applies to both men and women, living and unliving. However, all parties agreed that drinking blood is preferable to the taste of Manischewitz kosher wine.

What’s one thing about the Seder Zombies do not enjoy? “Geflite fish!” They all chimed. “If you think day old brains taste disgusting, try gefilte fish!”

On a much more heartfelt note, one of the newer Zom’s added, “It’s just nice to have one night a year where you’re not considered to be one of the plagues. It makes you feel like one of the chosen undead people.”

Finally, when surveyed about Easter, many Zombies cited that they love the story of Jesus as a fellow Zombie, but are turned off by bunnies and chocolate.

I’ve been a dreadful Ghoul, readers. It’s been nearly two months since my last confession and the only excuse I have is pure, unadulterated laziness. That and school. School gets in the way of everything. Especially when there are weekly papers involved. Especially when those papers are about movies, totally cutting into my creativity reserve. But fret no longer, I’ve been given a shot at an I. Die segment from the mistress of death herself, Scara, and I hope you like it. And, since I know nothing else at the moment, this installment will be about school. Sort of.

Alright, we’ve all seen the movie “Heathers,” yes? I’m behind on much of the classic and “must-see” filmage over the last century, but even I’ve seen “Heathers.” Multiple times. In fact, it’s come to my attention that the only film genre I’m not behind on is the “wacky, gory” kind.

In case you’re a loser you haven’t seen it, Wikipedia describes it like so: “The film portrays four girls in a trend-setting clique at a fictional Ohio high school. The girls — three of whom are named Heather — rule the school through intimidation, contempt, and sex appeal.”

Because it is the late ’80s, much of the costume design in the film is poufy ponytails and shoulder pads; not your usual “I totally wish I could own that look!” combination. But, somehow, these ladies really pull it off. I mean, under any other circumstance, the stocky-bulky-over-sized-blazer area matched with the gaucho-or-long,pleated-skirt-over-top-stick-skinny-leg area would be a disaster. But when you slap this mess onto a beautiful face and a snarky attitude, it just works.

Kim Walker as Heather Chandler (the one staring a hole into your soul in the photo at left), our initial lead villain, pulls it off best as she has no qualms about who runs the school (she does). She has nothing to fear. Not even her huge jacket taking over most of her body. She likes it that way. It lets her be large and in charge without actually being large at all. She walks with the same kind of confidence that Regina George does in “Mean Girls,” despite the former’s heavy layers.

Upon Heather C.’s demise (OOPS! SPOILER ALERT!), the brunette Heather, Heather Duke (played by the Heatheriest person alive, Shannen Doherty), takes the Queen Bee reigns. Initially kicked around by Heather C., you’d think Heather D. would’ve learned a lesson in appreciating others. Well, she didn’t. But you know what? She didn’t have to. You know why?

Because she can wear a giant, green flower-thing on her studded blazer and still look precious.

Heather McNamara (played by Lisanne Falk) was just your typical cheerleading lackey. She wasn’t as kicked around and under-appreciated as Heather D., but that’s probably because she just didn’t matter much. She didn’t matter much to herself either and she tried committing suicide after Heather C. died. I have nothing more to say about her, but it’s only fair she be included. See? Even I don’t think she mattered.

Honestly, I just want to hurry up and get to the queen of late ’80s/early ’90s “wacky, gory” herself:

Winona Ryder.

Who on planet earth can look this hot, clean, and filthy?

Only Wino.

It doesn’t hurt that “The Attractive Years” Christian Slater (playing new guy, heartthrob, and baddy:  Jason Dean) is next to her, but I digress. As Veronica Sawyer, she’s sort of part of the click, sort of on her own; she’s trying to fit in, but doesn’t exactly take Heather C.’s shit as well as the others. But this isn’t about character development, this is about how amazing she looks in just about every scene. I have no words, so here are visuals:

Real talk here, ladies (and gentlemen?), who wouldn’t still wear that outfit on the bottom? I know you can’t see all of it, but trust – it is uh-mazing. I don’t even drink alcohol, but I’d drink whatever that flaming thing is in that mug, just to look as hot. Veronica blends pieces together that would look terrible on most women, and men, but she’s so relaxed and cool while wearing them – you just want to go raid your parents’ closets at this point, right?

No talk of the fashion foreplay that is “Heathers” would be complete without discussing the film’s signature piece: the red scrunchy. The color red stands for love and war. In this case, Heather C. loves herself and is at war with everyone else. And scrunchies are more than just a now-outdated accessory; they’re controlling, over-the-top, and mainly there for decoration. They’re frilly, but with a snappy attitude about them. When you wear a red scrunchy you’re totally going to be noticed and talked about.

This particular red scrunchy belonged to Heather C. and then she died and Heather D. wore it. After Veronica and JD went all “killy” and then Veronica went all “this is wrongy” and JD went all “blowing up the schooly”, Veronica snatched the scrunchy straight out of Heather D.’s hair and put it in her own.

Banging. End credits. Scrunchies truly are killer fashion accessories.

(photos: winona-ryder.org)