Ghouls on Film

Ghouls on Film regularly showcases fabulously fashionable fiends and femmes in its I. Die. feature. But why should the ladies have all the fun? Without having to flip through the pages of GQ, there are horror hommes from whom gentlemen can take a style cue, or two.

Relax , guys. We’re not trying to get you to wear Seinfeld’s puffy shirt. Most of us realize you dress for comfort, but that’s not to say you can’t punch up your look. If there’s one thing we ghouls appreciate, it’s a man with killer style … Especially when he’s killing zombies.

Sometimes, it takes a worldwide pandemic of pseudo-apocalyptic proportions to move a man from his couture comfort zone. Take, for example, “Zombieland’s” Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson). Before the population at large started turning into a bunch of crazed, cannibalistic zombies, he was a doting dad with a closet full of unfortunate outfits. Flashback sequences revealed Tallahassee’s past included not just a young son, but a Cliff Huxtable sweater or two.

Unfortunately, Tallahassee lost his son and his old way of life following the zombie plague. On the bright side, he did pick up an impressive arsenal of weapons and an awesome new wardrobe!

What makes Tallahassee’s look so cool is the fact that it’s casual, comfortable, and can easily be worn by any guy. It’s a no-frills sort of look that screams “urban cowboy,” not “Rhinestone Cowboy.”

Take note, gents. Tallahassee wears a v-neck t-shirt in a dark color that’s suitable for day or evening wear. It’s fitted, but not too tight, with no danger of a draft causing unsightly “high beams.” He keeps it casual by wearing his comfortable v-neck tee with a worn-in pair of jeans. Sufficiently weathered but bearing no holes, his look can look can go from a casual Friday filled with zombie killing to a date night at an abandoned carnival. Tallahassee pairs these dirty-wash jeans over a pair of functional — yet fashionable — cowboy boots.

God, I love a man who can accessorize! And boy, does Tallahassee know how to do it! The brown leather of his knife sheath offsets the dirty-wash of his jeans nicely while the padlock chain and turquoise around his neck are suitably rugged to add a little something extra to his outfit without going for Jersey Shore Guido necklace overkill.

And of course, the cowboy hat is slightly battered and rolled for a look that owes more to John Wayne than Toby Keith. (You do not get more of a manly, yet reassuring, presence than John Wayne.  This is an ethos that Tallahassee seems to take to heart while protecting his fellow survivors. Okay, okay. He couldn’t do too much for Bill Murray, but you can’t win ‘em all.) While ‘hassee’s hat may look like your standard-issue cowboy hat, he’s actually wearing a recycled truck tarp hat that’s fashion-forward and ecologically conscious.

Can you say “swoon”?

And lastly, the piece de resistance of Tallahassee’s ensemble: The Jacket.

When we first encounter him, he’s wearing a sensible, yet fashionable leather jacket. The black, collarless moto looks great with his outfit, but he later swaps it out for something with a bit more Southwestern pizazz.

Let me tell you that even I coveted Tallahassee’s snakeskin jacket. It’s the ultimate “boyfriend jacket” that ladies would love to borrow as much as they would like to see a guy wear it. While it’s unisexily-sexy, it’s still incredibly manly and fashionable when Tallahassee works it! Best of all, the python pattern probably doesn’t show any zombie blood and guts in case of an accidental spattering. So hot!!!

It was 1996, several years before Hot Topic couture was co-opted by spooky kids in malls across the country, granting Gothic fashion choices to teens in even the most podunk of towns. “The Craft,” a film about four teenage witches who were about as un-Sabrina-ish as you could possibly get had just been released and had become chicken soup to my then-teen Goth soul. In addition to providing something of a creepy catharsis, focusing on alienated adolescent girls, “The Craft” gifted me with fiendish fashion inspiration I could run with, even if my limited budget only allowed me to shop at Deb and various other discount shops.

As the leader of her Catholic school’s clique of outcasts dubbed “the Bitches of Eastwick” by the more mainstream members of the student body, Nancy Downs (played to psychotic perfection by Fairuza Balk) stalked the locker hallways in black thigh-highs and an ever-present, short, black vinyl trench coat, adding some punch to her school uniform.

As dedicated as she was to her “craft,” Nancy was just as fiercely devoted to her own sense of style. Sporting spiked dog collars and draping her milk white neck with rosary beads to accessorize her plaid skirt and uniform, outside of school Nancy lounged about with friends in black satin embroidered Cheongsam tops with skin tight, matching leggings.

Vinyl Jammy Jam

Even at a girlish sleepover, while the rest of her circle were clad in comfy cotton and long-john pajamas, Nancy rocked a mesh top and painted-on PVC pants. I doubt it would be too pleasant to sleep in clingy, vinyl pants, but I admire Nancy’s moxie to keep her look consistently “on” — suffering for the sake of fashion.

In one of Nancy’s climactic scenes in the film, enacting justice on a would-be rapist jock, she strutted into a high school house party wearing a black, nearly floor-length gown over witchy Granny boots. Rosary beads dangled over the fitted bodice of her bell-sleeved number as she hurled class heartthrob, Chris Hooker out of the window using telekinetic powers. (Chris should have been chucked out a window earlier in the flick for the cheap looking windbreaker he wore throughout. Lame.)

Beyond the awesome goth garb, Nancy sported some seriously stellar makeup — utilizing just the right amount of dark eye makeup and finding a lipstick that wasn’t too red nor too black to play up her pale complexion. Sure, she landed in the loony bin by the end of the film and may have lost her magical powers, but she didn’t loose the power of style!

Time to Hit the Road

B-horror’s Mod masterpiece “Psychomania,” or “The Death Wheelers,” has been in my movie rotation for years. In the movie, a small gang of ‘60s bikers terrorize the English countryside led by delinquent rich boy Tom Latham with his sweetheart, good-girl biker chick Abby, in tow.

Sounds awesome, right?

The thing is though, Tom’s a jerk. I am pretty sure that Abby’s friends (had they not all killed themselves) would have had an intervention.  I imagine it would go something like this;

Dear Abby,

We didn’t want to have to tell you this way, but some of us have decided it’s time to talk to you about your boyfriend.Let’s face it, behind the tight turtlenecks and bad British smile is not exactly what we would call a good guy.

Here are our top 5 reasons Tom is a bad boyfriend:

Devilish Tom and His Toadies

1)   He’s a mama’s boy. Seriously, the man still lives at home and let’s face it, his mom’s filthy rich and can speak to the dead.  You are not gonna beat that no matter how many day-glow moo-moos you rock.
2)    His pants are tighter than yours. Really? This isn’t Williamsburg (and thank God). You know, leather doesn’t breathe, so he’s not helping matters if you are looking to have kids one day.

3)   He can’t take “no” for an answer. Look girl, when you tell a man “No, I do not want to kill myself and come back as the undead just ‘cus you want me to,” he should respect it. If you ask me, the whole threatening to kill you himself thing, well, that just screams selfish.

4)   He has the attention span of a five year old. Like, adult ADD for reals. I mean, you are making out and getting hot in the graveyard, the only thing that could make it any hotter would be to have “Cemetery Gates” playing on your boombox, and he hops up to start catching frogs. Are you gonna have to get him some Aderol?

5)    He’s always gonna be stoned. Not like playing Xbox and eating Funyuns kinda stoned, like encased in granite for eternity stoned. That’s what happens when you fool around and break your pact with the devil. Shadwell takes no crap.

Look Abby, everyone loves a bad boy, but in the end, behind that crooked smile and ambiguous flowing hair, is not the guy you want to bring home to your mom. So, get out there and find yourself a nice boy. Maybe Jane could help you start an Okcupid profile. Just try to stay away from guys whose interests include searching for immortality and driving through brick walls.

Forget Latisse. Not need to worry about tarantula lashes. This is all you need.

If there’s one thing you can be sure you’ll see more of at Comic-Con than anywhere else, it’s girls in rubber underwear, toting guns. If that sounded bitter I didn’t mean it to. I love a good action heroine. I like a frilly corset.

But after speaking to Vanessa Hudgens and Jena Malone about “Sucker Punch,” I doubt I will find any true action heroines in the movie. (With the exception of Carla Gugino if I can get past her bad Polish accent.)

The story revolves around a young woman trapped in an insane asylum, who escapes the everyday degradation of her fate by traveling to a fantasy world with the other extremely hot ladies of the asylum.

Asylum melts into brothel and into male fantasy. Except for the musical theater parts, I guess they kept those for the ladies. I’m not saying it has to be all hearts and vaginas but, once again, I feel a bit insulted that sexy brothel song and dance numbers are being served up to me as “grrrll power.” (And, yes, I hate that term too.) If I wanted to watch that I would just rent “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.”

But it’s Malone who really put me over the edge about this movie. I was impressed by the fact that she, Hudgens, and their costars were trained by the Navy Seals and learned to shoot guns. But when I asked her about how her character Rocket is unique and how she personally views the long line of female action heroines who have come before her, this is what I got:

“I never grew up with comics; I grew up with Disney characters. So it was like the ‘Little Mermaid’ was a heroine to me when I was younger. I didn’t have any reference to be able to understand what sort of face you use when you shoot a gun. I just didn’t know who that was. How does a woman kick? Who knows? We had an amazing stunt team of women. We called them our stunt shadows. They transformed themselves into us and, in a weird way, my stunt double became my heroine,” Malone said.

OK … To be fair, she did give props to her amazing stunt team.

When I asked her about what she wanted girls to take from her character (trite, I’ll admit) she had a similar response.

“Take away is like for McDonald’s, you know? Like, I walk away with a Styrofoam cup of one sentiment. For women in general — because also film is so iconic and it has an eternal shelf life – because, like I said, I had no visual references for women to kick and shoot and fight and also still be a woman and cry and be funny and rowdy and strange. If I had this reference point it would be amazing to me. It’s just like the fact that now women will have this reference point, it’s just gorgeous you know.”

I swear to you that’s the quote. Forget the fact that it doesn’t make much sense grammatically, has she been locked in a basement for years?

No visual references for how a woman kicks, fights, or shoots? How about Ellen Ripley or Sarah Connor or The Bride or, hell, even your costar Carla Gugino?

My mind is still spinning over this. What was she talking about? I felt like she was trying to confuse and seduce me with her lilting voice and some kind of strange Hollywood double-speak.

“Look deep into my eyes, Scara. I don’t have to make sense as long as I say something. Authenticity is dead. All you need are the signifiers. I have a gun, I’m wearing eyeliner, I got jacked with some Seals, so, who cares if I am just another stereotype? Now write down what you think I might mean.”

From what I’ve seen of clips and images exposed to Zack Snyder’s handiwork, “Sucker Punch” will look like a candy-coated “300.” The gals’ skirts are equally as short as the gladiators’, and the fight scenes as stylized.

While I should reserve judgment on the entire movie until I’ve seen more than a one minute clip, I can tell you one thing, “’Alice in Wonderland’ with machine guns” this is not.