Ghouls on Film

Previously, Ghouls On Film explored the unfortunate case of Dr. Julia Hoffman, the lovelorn psychiatrist and blood disorder specialist from‘70s gothic soap opera, “Dark Shadows.”  She was television and horror’s first female who bore the double-edged burden of being a human woman in love with a vampire (suck on that, Bella Swan!) and being in love with a vampire who passed her over for every fresh-faced brunette in town who would sooner dust him than date him.

Despite sticking with her vampire through thick, thin, and infatuation with younger, human ladies, Julia never ran off into the sunset to make undead vampire babies with Barnabas, but there are a number of fictional females who very well could be her “daughters” in spirit.  As foremother to the ladies who have long languished in “The Friend Zone,” Dr. Hoffman still had an easier time than her television descendents who seem to be even more unlucky in love.

“Buffy The Vampire Slayer’s” Willow Rosenberg has more in common with Dr. Hoffman than just red hair.  For years, computer genius Willow has pined after her fellow Sunnydale geek, Xander Harris who only has eyes for Buffy, and later spoiled socialite, Cordelia Chase.  It is only when Willow finally kindles a relationship with reluctant teen wolf, Oz, that Xander decides Willow is worthy of a second glance and finds himself developing feelings for the girl he had banished to The Friend Zone.

Willow fights the urge to hook up with Xander, and stays the course with Oz, who, in turn, helps bring her out of her shell.  Willow begins to make the transformation from naïve, awkward teen geek to a powerful witch in her own right.

After Oz cheats on Willow with a homicidal she-werewolf at college, Willow finally finds love again with Tara Maclay, a fellow witch who teams up with Buffy and her gang to fight for the side of good.  Again, Willow’s steady romance does not live past a few seasons when Tara accidentally takes a bullet meant for Buffy at the hands of Warren, a twisted scientist/practitioner of magic.

Willow isn’t the only one to suffer an ill-fated romance after being slapped with “Just Friends” status. Superman and his alter-ego Clark Kent may have zipped to a parallel universe a time or two during “Smallville’s” ten-year run, but it’s his long-suffering sidekick, Chloe Sullivan who finds it is much harder to break free from the Friend Zone than from the Phantom Zone.

Throughout their high school years as outcasts and junior journalists, Clark and Chloe have been a tight-knit twosome. Despite the fact that Chloe is one of the few people Clark entrusts with his secret identity, he just doesn’t see her as relationship-material.  Like Barnabas Collins, “Smallville’s” Clark Kent has a fondness for nubile brunettes; he spends time vying for the affections of Lana Lang in the earlier part of the series and now sets his x-ray vision on Chloe’s cousin, Lois Lane.  (You know where this is headed.)

By contrast to the dark, flowing locks of Clark’s leading ladies, Chloe frequently sports a blonde bob.  Although the two girls are friends throughout high school, Lana Lang is a varsity cheerleader while Chloe is the computer wizard with a journalistic flair.  With the arrival of Lois Lane on the scene, somehow Chloe’s cousin co-opts her journalistic shtick, scoring a job at the “Daily Planet” despite a lack of any real credentials beyond her much-ballyhooed spunky streak.

Through it all, Chloe still stands stalwart at Clark’s side, feeling the twist of the knife as he canoodles with her cousin.  Although in her early 20s, Chloe is already a widow, following the death of one of the few suitors her friend Clark approved of.  Beyond that, she’s been shuttled to the Friend Zone in addition to bearing the indignity of Clark Kent applying the Kryptonian cock-block to any other potential romances she may have.

On the surface, Merlotte’s resident micro braid-sporting spitfire, Tara Thornton of “True Blood” doesn’t seem to share a lot in common with Dr. Julia Hoffman. However, she’s yet another unfortunate denizen of The Friend Zone. For years, Tara has pined after Jason Stackhouse, Bon Temps’ village idiot and brother to her best friend, Sookie. If it moves, Jason Stackhouse will hump it … Unless her name happens to be Tara Thornton.

Even worse, Tara seems to be flypaper for freaks, and (like Willow and Chloe before her) destined for star-crossed love affairs.  Tara’s one shot at happiness with Benedict “Eggs” Talley — who is brainwashed, along with Tara, into doing the murderous dirty of madcap maenad Maryann Forrester — ends when Jason Stackhouse accidentally shoots and kills Eggs, sending Tara into a downward spiral. Tough break.

This season on “True Blood,” Tara finds herself as the object of a vampire who is determined to make her his bride.  Suffice it to say, there’s nothing like being doomed to  dead-ed bliss with a guy you don’t particularly like to snap you out of a suicidal funk.

Looks like Tara’s finally got her groove back.  Here’s hoping she fares better with future boy toys than she did with Eggs.

Given the misfortune of ladies like Willow, Chloe, and Tara, what does it say when some of the brightest, strongest women in the horror and fantasy genres are either resigned to “Just Friends” status, or even worse, pre-ordained for romances that end in tragedy?  Is there a message that’s being subliminally sent that bright, attractive women somehow don’t quite measure up to their less-brainy counterparts? Here’s hoping the years ahead in the genre finally yield an intellectual lady who can “break the curse” that Dr. Julia Hoffman and her ilk had been saddled with — a curse almost as bad as being an undead creature of the night!

Dear Ripley,

You just have to help me. Uh… I… I’m just gonna come right out with it. I’m stuck in a financially successful yet ultimately bad movie franchise, and I don’t know what to do.

See, I’m … different from other people. I’ve always felt a bit out of sorts and just not like everyone else.  Somehow, I managed to make both the hottest vampire alive and an ultra buff werewolf fall in love with me. And while that’s great and all, I feel like the movie adaptations of my life are just blowing this whole vampire vs. werewolf thing out of proportion. ‘Cause the story is about me, right?  How I’m searching for where I belong and like, searching for MYSELF?  The books did a great job explaining that, but these movies. Man, so much money pumped into them, you’d at least think they’d get the hair and makeup part right.

Anyway, please help! I … I … just don’t think I can stand for two more crappy movies about me. I wonder if this is how Amy Fisher felt when all those made-for-tv movies were released?

Sincerely,
CAUGHT IN A HIGH-POWERED HOLLYWOOD TRAP

Dear CAUGHT,

I completely feel your pain. It was bad enough when I was forced to shave my head in “Alien 3,” but when the studio had the nerve to clone me and make me go through the same old shit all over again … well, let’s just say the real Ellen Ripley would never have stood for that. And don’t get me started on the “Alien vs. Predator” mini-franchise – even though I wasn’t in any of those, all my blood, sweat, and tears went into some schlocky, over-processed fan boy’s wet dream.

That being said, the best you can do is see it through.  Steel yourself for the final mess that will inevitably be “Breaking Dawn,” parts 1 and 2 (yes, I actually am a bit of a “Twilight” fan). It will be hard, no doubt, for you to watch the grotesque birth scene, but darling, don’t fret. In another five to ten years someone will remake the entire series from scratch anyway, and no one will really remember the first go. Look what they’re doing for “Spider-Man!” Trust me – all will right itself in time, which you have plenty of.

TEAM CHARLIE

I am not one to let go of my plate. Even when the waiter comes around for the third time and asks if I’m done working on that – working on that? Well, that’s another article – you cannot pry it from my little fingertips. I like my food. So to kill my appetite, a film scene has to go beyond things we can’t speak of at the dinner table.

A particular bunch of creepy, crawly insects we call cockroaches does it for me. One of the most indelible scenes leftover from my childhood is the cockroach scene, “They’re Creeping Up On You” from “Creepshow.”

Remember “Creepshow?” One segment starred a young Ted Danson before he became the famous ladies man, Sam Malone on “Cheers.” Another starred Adrienne Barbeau, most recently of “Carnivale” fame. It was that classic early 80s kinda horror with a comic book twist (inspired by the E.C. comics of the 1950s).

The scene, all about a decidedly anal and uptight Upson Pratt, takes place in his immaculately clean, almost hermetically sealed high-rise apartment. Strangely, those little bastards find their way in only to taunt him night and day (I think he slept with the lights on. I would have). It becomes his life’s work to eliminate these bugs one at a time. Until …

If you haven’t lost your appetite after first viewing, watch again. If you are still not phased in the least, maybe you are a friend of the cockroach (and like the people in India) you will happily share a train car with them. If you just can’t get enough of the little critters, then go down to your local bar and ask for a flaming one. It’s a nifty little cocktail of Kahlua, Rum and Tequila.

The name alone makes me squeamish.

Silas Mourner Looms Large

Is anyone else getting sick of this?

First there was “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,” then “Sense and Seamonsterbility”… or whatever it was called. Now Abraham Lincoln is battling vampires.

Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov are going to produce “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.” Of course I love Tim Burton, and Timur – there’s something uncontrollable that’s probably in my DNA which makes me incapable of resisting anything Russian, or in any way connected to Russia. He’s also highly skilled at exploiting to creepiness of children, and I respect that.

The worst thing about all of it is I am supposed to be part of the demographic who will love the horror-fied retellings of classic novels and the lives of historical figures. It makes my skin crawl in a bad way. But not a bad-good way. There are plenty of other places for supernatural battles to take place. So, stop polluting the shades of Pemberley.

But even with all my bitching, I can’t help but see the dollar signs in all of this. So Allison and I started talking about other classic tales which in no way should be resurrected and horror-fied, but which we will butcher (if you will) for the right price. Here’s what we came up with. Which one would you pay to see?

• “Silas Mourner” – He’ll loom over your grave.

• “Howliver” – Never before has a boy wanted … Gore! You shall scream.

• “The Brothers Scare-a-Top-Off” – Ladies beware! Russian brothers on a rampage.

• “Finnegan’s Wake” – Grab a bottle of whiskey, in case the dead get frisky!

• “Andrew Hackson” – Old Hickory didn’t get his nickname from chopping down trees.

• “House of Girth” – Consumption takes on a whole new meaning, when lovely larger ladies rebel against the corset.

• “Gorege Washington” – When the cherry tree becomes the scary tree. (Ghouls would like to apologize for this one)

• “The House of the Undead” – Aleksandr Petrifyovich leads a ghoulish peasant rebellion.

DEAR RIPLEY:
I’m currently dating this wonderful guy. He’s a professor and he’s just really amazing.   He comes from a very prominent family in the area and I know his parents have their reservations about me because I’m just a “little farm girl from Iowa.”

I’m meeting them for the first time tomorrow at dinner and I plan on making them my famous harvest cake.  I’m really excited!  The only problem: I’ve been cursed by an evil old witch, and a demon called the Lamia is haunting me for the next three days before condemning me to hell.  How can I survive the dinner if the Lamia’s wreaking havoc on me?  I really want them to like me.
LAMIA’D IN L.A.

DEAR LAMIA’D,
We’re all haunted by demons, aren’t we? Giving birth to a humanity-destroying alien sure did put a damper on my future. Trust me, your immortal soul is way more important than impressing uptight WASPy would-be in-laws. Put down the spatula, pick up the kitchen knife, and handle your little possession issue before your three days are up.