Ghouls on Film

It’s the morning after. Things got a little hairy last night. Now more than ever, you have questions that need to be answered. Ghouls on Film is here to help.

Nosilla and I sat down with lycanthropy expert, comedian, and one half of the tag team (co-author Ritch Duncan was absent – looking after his spawn) who wrote “The Werewolf’s Guide To Life – A Manual For The Newly Bitten,” Bob Powers and asked him the most pressing questions that a newly transformed wolf is asking herself.

Namely: How did I get so sexy? Sweatpants or waistcoat? Can I surf on a moving vehicle?

Find out his answers and where “Twilight’s” Jacob Black went terribly, terribly wrong in the video below.

Special thanks to cameraman/editor/creepy cousin Mykill Wigley

Before we even get going: SPOILERS ABOUND. Not that you people care. You’ve been gobbling up every tiny “Eclipse” morsel you can get your grubby, chipped nail polish hands on in between tweeting about Bella’s proposed wedding attire and arguing with your friends about the leg hitch scene.

Yes the leg hitch is in there! In all its dry-humping glory!

My friend Becky and I saw an advance screening of “Eclipse” tonight and I have to say that despite all the rumors of problems behind-the-scenes, and all my bitching to come, this is by far the best of the “Twilight” franchise. The chase scene in the first twenty minutes of the film is exciting. For once you really feel like you’re watching vampires who can actually drain the blood out of something. The fight scenes sucked me in (although I can’t say I love the manner in which the Slade depicts the newborn deaths) and the CG wolves looked marginally more realistic.

And yes, you have to keep in mind that we are talking about “Twilight” here. Which, for me, is a guilty pleasure. Everything needs to be looked at through at fourteen-year-old love-lorn girl’s lens. Don’t start your huffing and puffing please, you know I’m right. While it’s not well-written there is something undeniable about the story. I can’t quite put my finger on the pulse of the appeal. But maybe that’s because it doesn’t have one?

All in all I would say the much-maligned David Slade did quite a bit of good for this franchise. It’s still awkward, but in that way a teen is awkward. She might not get the look quite right, but she does it with gusto. And you love her for it.

Hair, Wigs, and Hair-Related Issues

Is my Memaw moonlighting in the “Twilight” wardrobe department? Because Bryce Dallas Howard’s wig is a doozy on par with Scarlett Johansson’s look in “Iron Man.”

It appears that Taylor might have hit puberty half-way through this production. He has a clearly visible dirt ’stashe in the last quarter of the movie. Obviously, no one taught the lone wolf how to shave.

Pattinson and Lautner should have gotten together and groomed each other. Shirtless …  and with a flip cam … He is still sporting chest hair. Out of all the terrible makeup, wigs, and ill-fitting clothing this one costume detail annoys me the most. Stephenie Meyer goes on and on about Edward’s marble-like visage. Not once does she talk about pubes erupting from his collar.

Jacob Black – Taylor Lautner

At times it looks like someone pasted pretty, pouty Taylor Lautner’s head on John Cena’s body, complete with jean shorts. I want to give the kid points for trying. He really does try. He’s beefed up admirably. He sweats, emotes, and sweats some more. It’s not his fault they forgot to use the magic of film and make him taller.

Edward Cullen – Robert Pattinson

He actually smiles. Unfortunately, I am now concerned about his weak English chin.

Bella Swan – Kristen Stewart

I’m not sure I dare say this but Kristen seems almost natural in this film. Her interactions with her father Charlie bring some levity to the story. But, alas, no one in the history of Hollywood is skilled enough to make the kiss with Taylor look believable.

The Family Cullen

Jasper blinks, he moves his head, and his flashback is almost watchable. They even manage to tone down his wig, making it less Victorian more Civil War-ish.

I can’t say the same for Rosalie. The beginning of her rape flashback reminds me of a “Benny Hill” sketch. I kept thinking that at some point her hat was going to come flying off and her dress would get flipped up to reveal her sock garters.

I heard that Kellan Lutz wasn’t actually there to film Emmett’s parts, but his wax figure proves to be an excellent stand in.

The Wolf Pack

For the most part the human form of the pack has very little onscreen time. Leah Clearwater is introduced and Slade does a good job of setting her up as a mega bitch from the get-go. Seth Clearwater also gets a bit of camera time, but I found his wolf parts to be more enjoyable than his human parts. Wait. That didn’t come out right.

Among the entire “Twilight” fandom there is one figure who I assumed didn’t get much play. That figure is Billy Black. Tonight I was corrected. Every time he came on the screen a cheer erupted from the audience. Who knew? Is there a Team Billy out there somewhere?

That’s all from me right now. There is more to be said, I am sure. But it is the witching hour and time for me to go dream of glittering vampires who will smile at my inability to communicate and reward me with large diamond rings.

Don't Mess with his Undead Tress

Earlier today, I spoke to Jackson Rathbone who was in town promoting “The Last Airbender” and snuck in some very important questions regarding the other little franchise he’s involved in.

In case you’ve been living off the grid for the past few years, or maybe you went to ground for a while, Jackson plays Jasper Hale in “The Twilight Saga.” He’s a vampire from the Cullen family who was “turned” while he was fighting for the confederacy during the Civil War. Not unlike “True Blood’s” own undead heartthrob, Bill Compton.

So, naturally, one has to wonder (or at least my friend Bethany and I have to wonder) if these two trained military vampires had met on the battlefield way back when, which would have been victorious in battle? So I asked Jackson what he thought. Apparently, he’s not a fan of the show.

“Honestly, I have no idea. I’ve never seen it. I tried watching it once and all my family is from Louisiana …” he laughed. “Well, it’s just the accents are atrocious. I can’t do it man, I’m sorry. I’m sure I’ve done accents that make people crawl too, but it’s like,  I can’t see that. I watched the first one and I was like Anna Paquin that’s not how people from the South talk. Spend a little more time down there.”

There’s clearly only one way to answer this question, and that’s with undead Civil War reenactments. I can’t wait.

Strong words delivered from the lovely lips of this southern gentleman. Do you think he’s right?

I am Twi-ing... Twi-ing so hard

I wrote something a while back about the scariest Twi-hard crafters but they are nothing compared to the “Twilight”-crazed bum encampment that has sprung up outside the Nokia theater.

The monster that is the homespun “Twilight” goods section of Etsy.com has broken out and, armed with a glue gun and cardboard cutouts of the entire cast of “The Twilight Saga,” has stormed downtown Los Angeles.

The monster is incapable of communication. It can only scream “Edwaaaaaaaaaaard!” Sometimes it cries. Occasionally it snacks on Mallomars. But mostly it screams.

I would like to teach the creature some new words.

They are my favorite nicknames for Edward Cullen, or for those of you who prefer reality, Robert Pattinson. Some I have made up, some have been given to me. All are amazing. Learn these names and you too will be able to speak the language of the Edward and maybe his publicist won’t burn your castle built on tears (that you cried on your great big Pattinson pillow head) to the ground.

Guvnah Pattinson
Mr. Sara Castillo
Pattinsunshine
Heart Robber!
Patticakes
Patsi Fine
Twinkleberries
Cullen the Conqueror
Patti O’Hotty
Hots N’ Robbers

Did I miss a Pattinson nickname? Send it my way!

Boho Creep

Thanks to “Twilight,” we can all look forward to an outpouring of teen romance /light horror flicks hurtling towards the box office with the breakneck speed of a glittering Edward racing through the sunlit woods with a gasping Bella in his arms.  The latest to capitalize on this trend is a modern re-working of “Beauty and the Beast,” simply titled “Beastly.”

Based on the 2007 novel by Alex Flinn, the film stars Mary Kate Olsen as the token goth chick with a Mike Tyson face who is ridiculed by Alex Pettyfer’s snide, shallow, trust fund baby character. As it turns out, MK’s character is secretly a powerful witch who hurls a curse at Poor-Little-Rich-Stud and turns him into an “ugly” tattoo convention refugee, replete with full body tattoos, bizarre piercings, scars, and a shaved head.  Apparently, the witch must have made over the Beast’s wardrobe, as well. Judging by the film’s trailer, if the change in Beastie Boy’s sartorial choices are an indicator, she zapped all of the Armani out of his closet and gave him a Hot Topic wardrobe to match his make-under, too.

If you’ve read the classic Perrault fairy tale, you all know where the film is headed: The cruel pretty boy must find his “inner-pretty” and make someone fall in love with the “real” and reformed Beast in one year’s time or else he’s doomed to a life of lobbying for a shop manager position on “L.A. Ink.”

This is where the film’s “beauty” comes in, taking the form of “High School Musical” sweetheart, Vanessa Hudgens.  Her character, Lindy, seems suitably vanilla in the trailer and is just the rose garden-loving type to break the curse, seeing The Beast for the luffly, luffly soul that he’s morphed into on the inside. To guide him on his journey is the always awesome Neil Patrick Harris as the now-reclusive Beast’s (conveniently and oh-so-ironically) blind tutor.

Dude, your mom is gonna be pissed.

Even by Hollywood standards, Pettyfer’s “Beastly” character isn’t really all that hideous, unless you count the fact that Goth Michelle Tanner cursed him with a shitload of tribal tattoos — which are sooooo 1995 in terms of ink. That’s pretty horrifying itself.  And so is the fact that he kind of looks like a dude I asked out back in high school (who, incidentally, turned me down… twice.  Where the hell was my Mary Kate Olsen Revenge-O-Matic Machine back then!?!).

“Beastly” was originally slated for a July 30, 2010 release, however it’s been bumped to March 18, 2011.  The story behind CBS’s move to pushing back the film was because “Beastly” would be competing with the new, morbidly-themed Zac Efron flick, “The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud.” Rather than have the film’s respective stars/lovebirds, “Beastly’s” V-Hudge and “Charlie St. Cloud’s” Efron competing with each other for red carpet promotion and box office bank, CBS decided to bump “Beastly” to next year.

While it’s a good enough excuse as any, I’d lay odds that “Twilight: Eclipse’s” June 30 release date had something to do with the decision to delay “Beastly’s” release. If all went as originally planned, with “Eclipse” being released a month before “Beastly,” it probably would bear a negative impact on the latter’s box office draw, having already cornered the freaky-deaky, supernaturally-charged teen romance niche. March 2011 seems to bode better with nary a supernatural teen romance in sight on cineplex marquees.

It probably won’t be the last in this new, “Twilight”-spawned genre, but in all honesty, I’m actually looking forward to “Beastly.”  It will likely be sappy and cheesy, but I’ll suffer through it because even we ghouls still can appreciate a happy ending… and Mary Kate Olsen’s wardrobe choices.