If you’ve ever read Cinematic Haunts or The Lucky 13 on Brutal as Hell, you know that editor Annie Riordan has a way with the English language. She’s not a lady to keep her opinions to herself and she doesn’t mince words when reviewing some truly abysmal film fare. She happily serves them up to you, tartare, with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Simply put, we here at Ghouls love her reviews, appreciate her razor-sharp wit, and her obsession with the cinematic schlock of DTV. Read on to find out what happens in the in the dark corridors of Annie’s mind. Or, at the very least, to find out what happens when you’re exposed to Ellen Burstyn’s face at a very young age.

Tell our readers a little bit about what you do for Brutal as Hell and where else we can find your musings/art/photos/tantrums.

I’ve dubbed myself the DTV Queen of BAH. In other words, I try to watch all of the bottom of the barrel, crappy direct-to-video horror flicks that no one else wants to watch, partly because I detest going to the actual movie theater, but mostly because I grew up on late night horror movies, staying up ’til the wee hours of the morning to watch “USA Up All Night,” which ran some of the worst movies I’d ever seen. I’m a crap movie masochist, now that I think about it.

I’m hardcore monogamous when it comes to actual film reviews, but I am currently addicted to Tumblr, where I can be found under the name of White Rabbit Objekt. Tantrums can be found on my blogspot: A Clockwork Door Hinge, which I really need to update more often. I also contribute to The Gothic Tea Society (also on blogspot), a blog dedicated to all things dark and creepy. I’m a bit of a recluse, so ultimately I thank God for the interwebs – it’s the closest thing to a social life that I have.

What was the first horror movie to stick in your brain, and how old were you when you saw it?

True story: When I was three years old, I remember seeing a trailer for “The Exorcist” on TV. I vividly recall seeing the look of horror on Ellen Burstyn’s face and thinking, “I want to see that movie! I want to know what she’s seeing that makes her look so scared!” Of course, my mom wasn’t about to take her three year old daughter to a matinee showing of “The Exorcist” anytime soon, so I had to wait another ten years. It was the trailers of the 1970s that I remember most clearly — in 1974 it was “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” in 1978, “Dawn of the Dead,” and so on. It was the “not knowing” that intrigued me. I couldn’t wait until I was old enough to watch them all!

Do you have a favorite favorite female character in a horror/slasher/Victorian attic romance/gore film?

Truth be told – no. I’ve admired my fair share of final girls, but even at an early age I identified more with the monsters. I was that warped teenage girl who had a crush on Freddy Krueger, among others.

Demonic dolls or gruesome grannies?

Dolls! I love the fact that so many guys have a doll phobia. I have a tendency to scare guys too, so dolls and I get along just fine.

What’s the worst movie you’ve reviewed this year?

Oh God, that honor would have to go to “Hellweek.” I slammed that movie so hard that the filmmakers actually emailed the website and specifically requested that I review their next film. I guess I’m not the only masochist in the crap movie business.

Why will you never be the Wizard Master?

Because I’d rather be the Gatekeeper!

What’s the one film every horror fan should see?

Oh man, I can only pick one? Right at this very moment, I would have to say the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” Every time I watch it, I’m just amazed by it. It’s beautifully shot, disturbingly real and incredibly funny! And despite its lurid title, it relies very little on blood and guts. It really is a masterpiece. But if you were to ask me the same question tomorrow, I’d probably have a totally different answer.

Sometimes I still find myself peaking out of the shower curtain. Just to check.

Happy (Belated – it was yesterday. Where was my Facebook reminder?) birthday to one of the most influential cultural phenomena in horror history: Alfred Hitchcock’s “Psycho.” Janet Leigh certainly set the bar high for shower scenes to come, including countless YouTube reenactments made by film students …

And this moment from the “The Magic of David Copperfield” which will haunt me forever:

New Serial Mom?

Update: Last night on Leno, Graham announced that she will be playing Emma Roberts’ mom.  Watch it here.

There’s been a lot of chatter around “Scream 4″ casting updates in the past few weeks. But there’s one person missing from their lists of the who’s who set to return to Woodsboro.

Let me give you a hint: If you’re a girl or a girlie boy between the ages of, say, 24 and 34 she is probably your surrogate TV mom. Need I say more? She’ll be trading the sleepy town of Stars Hollow for Woodsboro.

A source close to the production tells me that Lauren Graham, known to many as Lorelai Gilmore, has signed on to the film. You didn’t know I have sources? Oh but I do! (Take THAT, Ausiello!)

And that’s really all they’ve told me.

If I’m not mistaken, this is not her first horror role.  She was girlfriend to Josh Brolin in “Nightwatch.” Any thoughts on who she might be playing? A mom, but maybe a murderous one? I vote no! I want to see her as a full-on slasher queen!

Type WHOAH! Negative

The worlds of music, horror, and fang-licking-good eye candy lost more than just a pretty face when Peter Steele passed away on April 14, 2010 after a sudden heart attack.

Born on January 4, 1962, Steele was best known as the vocalist, lyricist, and bassist for goth-metal band, Type O Negative.  Throughout his career, he appeared in several low-budget films and his music with Type O Negative served as the soundtrack to 1998’s “Nosferatu: The First Vampire,” as well as popping up on numerous horror movie soundtracks.

His flowing, jet-black hair, piercing green eyes, and gargantuan height were as much a trademark as his rich baritone voice, introspective lyrics, and warped sense of humor.  It was Steele’s charming sense of self-deprecation that prompted him to joke about his 1995 Playgirl spread which revealed that the hulking 6′8″ hunk was packin’ some proportionate heat. Steele duly noted “That’s why my mother named me ‘Peter.’”  (I will fully admit that I still own this issue of Playgirl. Not being of age at the time, I went to great lengths to cop an eyeful of Peter’s pecker, passing myself off as 18 to score a copy at a local mall bookstore back in the day.  It still holds a special place in my collection and you will have to pry it from my cold, undead hands.)

It was more than just the pecker Peter was packin’ that made him so special. Rather, it was the total, erm, “package” of intelligence, eloquent honesty in sharing his most personal torments and struggles in his lyrics, and his quick sense of humor that made him a legend.  Farewell, Gentle Green Giant, and thank you so much for the music and memories that helped make this ghouly girl the woman she is today.

Peter Steele on “Jerry Springer,” 1995

Vampira vs. Elvira

Vamp-vira: Who Is the True Mistress of the Dark?

 When the Misfits sang “Two inch nails, micro waist, with a pale white feline face” they were, of course, singing about Maila Nurmi, aka Vampira, of “The Vampira Show” and cult seductress in “Plan Nine from Outer Space,” but they could have just as easily been singing about Cassandra Peterson who is known to many as Elvira.

The war between Vampira and Elvira didn’t start here at GhoulsonFilm.  In fact, there’s been a longstanding antagonism between the two women. Perhaps antagonism is too strong. Vampira attempted to sue Elvira for stealing her signature style after Cassandra took over Maila’s original role on the early ’80s revival of “The Vampira Show,” which would eventually become “Elvira’s Movie Macabre.” I don’t blame Maila, she helped to produce the show with the hopes she could pick her evil successor, and besides the obvious visual similarities between the two women – the dress, the camp, the erm … boobs – they also have similar biographical backgrounds.

Both Maila and Cassandra started as chorus girls and models of sorts (clothing optional) – Cassandra actually lays claims to the World Record for youngest showgirl in Las Vegas history, while Maili posed for Man Ray and Vargas – and both had unusual early successes. Maila was rumored to have been fired from Broadway because Mae West was jealous of her work in “Catherine Was Great.” Cassandra stuck up a relationship with Frederick Fellini while living in Rome and singing for a band, which led to her part in “Roma.”

The similarities continue: Maila and Cassandra are both highly skilled at mixing horror and humor, capitalizing on bad puns (something that GHOULSONFILM would know NOTHING about), and never shy away from making a truly crappy film.

They also stole the heart of Elvis. Both of them. And in oddly similar ways. Which makes me think that maybe Elvis had a weak spot for a Goth, or maybe he was just too far gone to tell the difference between the two women?

"I`ve always been fascinated by beautiful me ..."

In 2005 Maila spoke to Bizarre magazine out of the UK about her interaction with the King. I’ve included the whole quote below because it’s just too fantastic to cut and gives a great sense of the horror hostess’ dry humor.

I went to Las Vegas to perform with Liberace and went with him to see Elvis’ show. I had never seen someone boldly standing on a stage – supposedly a heterosexual male – wearing turquoise eyeshadow and grinding his hips like that.

The audience started booing, and they booed him off the stage. Then a voice said to me – and I wasn’t on any drugs – ‘Go around the side of the hotel. There’s a swimming pool and you’ll find someone in a canary yellow jacket.’

It was Elvis, wearing a canary yellow jacket. He looked confusedly into the darkness, so I said, ‘I’m over here.’ We walked towards each other, sat down and talked. I told him that I was a performer and that what happened was absolutely awful. He said, ‘Every night before I go on, I talk to God and he always answers me. But tonight he didn’t answer. When them curtains opened and I saw all those white heads and them glasses, I knew why.’

I told him I admired his courage and they only did that because they’re sheep; one person booed so then they all did. I said, ‘They’ve never, ever seen anything like you and it frightened them. But, Life magazine are going to discover you and they will kiss your shoes.’ He said, ‘It’s coming out Thursday.’ And it did. I was 33 and he said to me, ‘I know you’re getting old and all, but if you’d like to come back after the show, I’d be proud to take you back to my bungalow.’ His hallowed words! And so Elvis went back to do a second show …

In 1997 Cassandra spoke to the San Francisco Chronicle about how her path crossed Elvis’ in 1969.

"Grab a tool and start banging."

A friend of Cassandra’s managed to get them both invited to a party at Elvis’ penthouse suite.  Elvis liked to be around showgirls, and on this night he took an interest in Cassandra.  ‘Elvis singled me out,’ she said.  ‘I sat at the piano and he played songs for me.’

Later, in a more private setting, they talked all night, and a variety of subjects were broached.  Elvis told her he was very spiritual and discussed numerology.  He showed her a jewel-encrusted belt buckle – a present from President Richard Nixon.  ‘It was the biggest, gaudiest thing I had ever seen, and he was just so thrilled with it, like he was a little kid.’

She told him she smoked marijuana and that she was a virgin, and both revelations had an effect on Elvis.  He lectured her on the evils of pot and marveled that there actually was a showgirl virgin in Las Vegas.  After a while, she came to a realization.  ‘It was clear that he was not going to, like, hit on me.  I could kick myself now for telling him.’ Twenty-eight years after that night, Elvira admitted, ‘It would have been great to have him as my first lover.  If it’s got to be somebody, it might as well be Elvis.’

So, it appears that at least in Elvis’ bleary-eyed assertion, Vampira was the more appealing Queen of the B-Movie. But what’s your (possibly) sober opinion?

For my money, while I do love Vampira’s “inclination eyebrows” (as the Misfits called them), I can’t get past my pre-teen obsession with Elvira. To my 12-year-old mind, as I watched her on USA, she was the epitome of glamour. For those who know me, this probably explains a lot about my personal obsession with wig making and my love of drag queens.  Also, I’m fairly certain that Elvira started the bumpit craze long before it reached my local CVS or the Jersey shore.

Watch her enjoy a town picnic below in “Elvira: Mistress of the Dark ,” with frightful results, and keep an eye open for her fellow former members of the comedy troupe the Groundlings.