Ghouls on Film

Take a seat. Hmmmmm, ok let’s see – your resume is excellent – written in blood and oh! letters cut out of various magazines! Nice touch. And your qualifications are excellent: Special Skills – sewing garments from women’s skin – it’s nice to see there are still artisans out there. Oh, and you were in four sequels! A company man. I like that.

But I’m going to have to level with you — if you could just put your eye back in, and focus. The job market isn’t what it used to be. With all the remakes in the works, people in your profession are starting younger and younger. It’s all about reboot now — fresh faces and fresh kills.

But not to worry, I think we can find something for someone with your … kill set. Let’s see here …

Jason Vorhees
Your knife skills are, without a doubt, excellent and you clearly excel in all things domestic. I can only imagine your mother had more than a little influence on you at an early age. The way you decorated your room, your use of skulls – it’s just the kind of shabby chic that’s all the rage right now. I’m feeling something in the “lifestyles” field. I know you’re not much of a writer, but your larger-than-life persona would do well on the Home Shopping Network. “The Knife Show” has an opening right now, and I think “Do It Yourself” is looking for a new face. If that’s what’s behind that hockey mask! Oh, I kid…

Hold on.

B-i-n-g-o spells Bingo! Do you happen to speak Japanese? There’s an opening for a cook at Benihana!

Michael Meyers
My gosh! What are you doing hiding behind that door? Stop lurking and sit down, for Pete’s sake. I thought people from the Midwest were supposed to be polite. Well, one thing is for certain right off the bat – someone is going to need a haircut.

OK…not very talkative, are we? Now, there seems to be a large amount of time in your work history unaccounted for – looks like fifteen years! What were you doing during that time? Hello … anyone in there? OK, well, we’ll just call those “mental health years”!

OK. Seems like you have a lot of endurance…your career spans 20 years since then. You clearly have great tracking skills and a lot of patience … maybe you could do detective work of some sort. Or you could be a buyer for Marshalls! Oh, wait a minute, what’s this, you worked for a Mr. Carpenter? Now is that a carpenter carpenter? No?

Well, now, I’m just plain confused. Look, until we get your resume cleaned up, let’s just set you up with a babysitting job.

Pinhead
Well, I can certainly see I can’t ask you to wear a hat to an interview!

I see from your resume you’ve had a quite a bit of experience harvesting. Have you ever considered organic farming? It would be an open environment for you, if you know what I mean. The people you’d interact with would be more liberal, familiar with um… alternative lifestyles … and all those piercings won’t be a problem. Plus, you’d be working outside with a number of tools. Oh! You’ve had experience with that? Fantastic! You might have to look into buying some new work clothes though, since leather doesn’t really breathe. Maybe something in linen?

And you’ve stated your work objective on your resume as “I’ll tear your soil apart.”

Perfect!

I’m sorry … excuse me? I’ll tear your SOUL apart? Oh, silly me, read it wrong! Oh well, maybe we should just make that – “I’ll till your soil apart.” Let’s change it on your application … now where did I put the Frite Out?

Jigsaw
Well, my goodness, you have a wonderful speaking voice. I think you could get me to do just about anything you wanted! My goodness, am I blushing? Oksie doksie, let’s take a looksee … Strengths: Persuasive, enjoys pointing out people’s flaws, creates challenges that put individuals in positions where they must struggle to survive, relies heavily on symbolism to get a point across, good at puzzles. Weaknesses: Fails suicide attempts, ego-driven to make mark on history, shows up to work after death.

Well. There’s only one place for you.

Advertising.

Ben Willis
Ben, Ben, Ben – If only the Gorton’s Fisherman would drop dead, am I right? No, no, put the hook away – it’s just a turn of phrase. Oooooohkay, let’s see. Lifeguard, no – Teen Counselor, no – Driving Instructor, no. Hold the phone – they’re looking for a new Captain on Deadliest Catch! It’s perfect. You won’t even have to buy the uniform! What do you mean, what’s Deadliest Catch? WHERE in Hell have you been? Oh, God, put away the hoooooook – it’s just a turn of phrase!

“Forgive me father, for I will sin.”

First sin: the tagline. Second sin: the poster. Third sin: the trailer?

I started to write a review of the new “I Spit on Your Grave” trailer, but soon realized I couldn’t do better than Jenni Miller’s reaction on Cinematical. Read it here.

Watch the trailer below:

So, what do you think? Should we care that the remake pales in comparison to the original? Is the original just brutally exploitative and overblown?

Anyone who has seen the original TV movie “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” knows that while it’s not a total scream-fest it has all the key ingredients of a really frightening film. It preys on our most basic childhood (and for some, ahem, adult) fears of the shadows behind the nightstand, creepy crawlies under the bed, and monsters in the closet. It proves that scary things come in teeny-tiny packages.

There’s also poor Sally Farnham. As is so often the case with horror heroines, everyone believed her stories to be the product of an over-stressed mind and the voices only in her head. No one would listen until it was too late.

The trailer for Guillermo del Toro’s update of the 1973 movie is out today and the movie is getting an R-Rating due to “pervasive scariness.” I would say that’s underselling it. Watch the trailer below and don’t forget to check between the sheets tonight.

It’s been a while since I’ve watched Alex Proyas’ cursed film “The Crow,” but I want to thank him for giving me daydream fodder that’s lasted over fifteen years. Even now Brandon Lee’s model-meets-Scissorhands look makes me put hand to forehead and reach for my smelling salts.

Now The Wrap reports that Nick Cave is taking out his pen and vial of ink (sorry, there is just no way Nick Cave uses a computer) to rewrite the screenplay for “The Crow” remake. Apparently Director Stephen Norrington’s original script wasn’t quite cutting it.

Although my gut immediately screams “WHYYYYYY????!!!” when any news of a beloved film getting revamped surfaces, I am curious to see what Cave comes up with. He definitely gives this rewrite a certain sort of Gothic cred which fans of the original might be receptive to.

The Wrap also speculates that there will be a major casting announcement soon.

“Expect an announcement in the coming weeks about who will land the coveted role of Eric Draven in the reconceptualized remake of ‘The Crow,’ which will feature the titular bird as more of a full-fledged character than in Alex Proyas’ 1994 original.”

So who will be fluffing his feathers? Jared Leto maybe?  What about one of the Way brothers? It’s only a matter of time until one of those My Food Court Romance wieners gets cast in a movie. And think of the the cross-promotional opportunities! Hot Topic sponsorship. You can get Draven’s guyliner line then walk on over to Burger King and eat some Crow fingers.

Sinister Siblings

The (literal) trials and tribulations of Lindsay Lohan involving her least favorite piece of jewelry — that pesky, police-issued ankle bracelet — have served to reinforce the love affair that the media has with tracking the every move of besotted former child stars.  “Where Are They Now?” is a regular fixture of nearly every major tabloid or online entertainment gossip website.

Some of these former child star celebrities have happy endings to their tales (for example, Jodie Foster as one of the rare exceptions to the rule), while most usually find the closest thing available to a comeback is a stint on VH1 fare like “Celebrity Rehab” or “Celebrity Fit Club.”

With this sentiment in mind, if  “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” were to be made today instead of 1962, the world might have never gotten the chance to enjoy one of filmdom’s finest (and campiest) horror classics.  Starring Bette Davis and Joan Crawford in the twilight of their careers, the film was a cautionary tale centered on what happens when former-celebrity siblings stop being sane and start getting real. Real crazy.

Bette Davis stars as “Baby” Jane Hudson, a former Vaudeville child star (and spoiled brat) whose acting skills didn’t transcend singing kitschy songs in sausage curls and pinafore dresses.  Having failed to make the jump to serious adult roles, Baby Jane becomes a bitter boozehound, particularly as her sister Blanche’s star begins to rise.  In something straight out of an “E! True Hollywood Story,” the two sisters get soused and one of them tries to run the other over with a car.

Fast-forward 30 years later and Blanche, wheelchair-bound as a result of the accident, and her looney, 50-something sister, Baby Jane — still sporting a look reminiscent of ’90s Courtney Love  — are living together.  Jane is her sister’s caretaker… minus the “care.”  As Blanche schemes from her wheelchair to get her legitimately looney-skiproonie sister put in a sanitarium, Baby Jane gets wind of her plot while she’s attempting to stage a comeback.  Hijinx ensue, including sorrel beatings, main courses of dead parakeet and freshly-trapped rat, and Baby Jane slurring her way through a rousing rendition of “I’ve Written a Letter to Daddy” — reeking of gin, cigarette smoke, and more daddy issues than even Lindsay Lohan herself could shake a DUI at!

A Face Only Courtney Could Love

The film’s beachside conclusion features a shocking confession from Blanche that she was really the one who drunkenly gunned the engine and tried to mow down her sister, snapping her own spine in the process.  She just let drunken Baby Jane think that she was the one behind the wheel for all these years.  At this point, Baby Jane is too crazy to care and has already set her sights on getting some ice cream.

As suspenseful and horrifying (especially Baby Jane’s singing) as “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” is, this type of film could never be made today for the sheer reason that the combined powers of TMZ, the media, and tabloids are able to unravel nearly any mystery within months of it happening.  Nothing in Hollywood remains a secret for long.  (Just ask Mel Gibson!)

If the fictional Hudson sisters had been transplanted in 2010 instead of 1962, their story may have had a very different ending than the one loaded with madness, paralysis, and death.  For starters, Blanche Hudson would probably ended up in the clink for attempted murder.  With paparazzi everywhere, it would be well-documented that Blanche was the one who gunned the engine in an attempt to turn Baby Jane into roadkill.  A sympathetic judge would hand her a reduced sentence owing to her medical condition, celebrity status, and otherwise spotless record.

Traumatized by the events of her sister trying to kill her, Baby Jane Hudson would likely spiral even further into her alcoholism before winding up on “Celebrity Rehab,” with a helping hand from Dr. Drew.  Maybe even Mickey Rourke would give her the Eric Roberts treatment, making a plaintive case at an awards ceremony for Hollywood to give Baby Jane another chance at stardom and throw a few roles her way.

Perhaps a few parts would trickle in for Baby Jane, but only after RuPaul and the girls of “Drag Race” gave her a full makeover. Ru would snap his/her well-manicured fingers and say: “Girl, the Shirley Temple look has got to go!” before whipping out a flat iron and escorting her to the nearest MAC counter to learn how to properly apply makeup.

By this time, Blanche would have gotten out of the slam and probably made a foray into music.  (You know how celebrities are always crossing over into other realms of entertainment.)  Actors want to make records and singers/rappers somehow wind up in movies.  Drawing upon her experiences as a paraplegic prison inmate, Blanche Hudson (now known as “B-Hud”) would cut a dance album with Timbaland that would crack the Billboard 100.  This new, musical direction to her reignited career would then land her a guest spot on “Glee” as a mentor to wheelchair-bound character, Arty.

Incensed that her sister’s career had been given a second wind and still miffed about Blanche (“B-Hud” if you’re nasty…) trying to off her, Jane would hire a publicity agent to one-up her sister and capitalize on her fame. Baby Jane’s agent would negotiate a reality series deal centered around the premise of the two rival sisters living with each other in the same house. The final scene of the series’ first season would end similarly to the 1962 version of “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” with Blanche and Baby Jane on the beach.  This time, however, they would be accompanied by the cast of “Jersey Shore” with Baby Jane getting punched out by an angsty local while attempting to purchase two ice cream cones: one for her and one for her sister. This act of violence would bring the two sisters closer together and mend their decades-old feud.

While Hollywood’s natural instinct as of late is to remake every movie they can possibly get their hands on, it would be impossible to remake “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?”  If the film were made today, the world would lose out on one of the great horror masterpieces of all time.  In its place would be the horror of human nature and morbid curiosity at its worst.  That’s pretty terrifying in itself, just in a completely different way.

What’s your favorite “Baby Jane” moment?